Showing posts with label Aikido. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Aikido. Show all posts

Wednesday, 6 March 2013

Things I've Learnt Lately...




A grinding, squelching sound is never a good thing... especially when it's coming from my shoulder whacking into the floor during an Aikido forward roll gone bad!

That grinding, squelching sound coming from my shoulder is quite possibly a sign that I have just strained my acromioclavicular joint and will be in some considerable pain.

The best way to treat a shoulder injury? Resting it and avoiding sudden strenuous movements of course...

A round of boxercise and jumping around like a lunatic on a trampoline with my god daughters probably doesn't qualify as "resting", but I get extremely frustrated with enforced immobility.

Just when I thought I'd reached my tolerance threshold for Annoying Demanding Client #1, along comes Big Cheese Boss of Annoying Demanding Client #1... who makes ADC #1 seems like a meek little lamb by comparison.

Having BCB of ADC#1 on-board makes for extremely trying times at work and leads me to seriously question my choice of career.

My willpower for resisting alcohol, chocolate, French fries and other calorific treats is still going strong... but when it comes to sticky toffee pudding, it's game over...!





Tuesday, 28 February 2012

Weapons Of Massive Discussion

My neighbours probably think I'm a bit weird.....


Nosy Neighbour #1: Oh her? Yes she's very odd. Lazing about all day at home while the poor husband goes out to work. Apparently she 'shirks works from home' but I reckon there's more to it than that... there's been a constant stream of strapping gentleman callers to that door in the past few years. Plumbers, builders, electricians, kitchen fitters? A likely story! Just how much work can one person get done to their house?
[Quite a lot actually, when you buy a house previously owned by the most inept interior designer since early man decided his cave could do with a few rocks being rearranged, perhaps a few strategically placed mammoth skins].


Net Curtain Twitcher #2: Then there's all that yelling she does some days....

"Just lay that freeking egg already you freeking feathered freak! You are driving me insane!"
[Neighbour to the right keeps hens that for some reason feel obliged to let the wider world know that omelettes are on the menu tonight at Number 10]

"Sod off you horrible cat! Go crap in your own garden!"
[Neighbour to the right also has 5 moggies on high fibre diets].

"Why oh why oh why do I have to put up with this?!!" 
[When my internet goes down and I lose connection to my office server... typically on a day when there is a major deadline]

" **** ******ing *****er!!!!!"
[Quite frequent outburst after any communication with Demanding Annoying Client #1].






Nosy Neighbour #1: I think she has an aggressive personality. I've heard she practises some lethal kung fu thingamabob - you know, all that secretive martial arts stuff. Trained killers those people are!
[Actually it's Aikido, and it's a passive form of self defense]


Net Curtain Twitcher #2: We had better watch our backs - we could all be murdered in our beds!
[Not all of you, just maybe Audi Man with the annoying car alarm]


Nosy Neighbour #1: She may already be up to something. Why just this past weekend I overheard her telling her husband "We really must take this stuff out the car! Do we want everyone thinking we're planning on disposing of a body?"
[Actually I did say this to B, last Saturday morning....refering to the shovel, boots and other snow storm readiness paraphernalia that have been clanging about in our car boot since the snowfalls last month.]


Net Curtain Twitcher #2: And I heard her asking him "Can you give me a hand? I just can't fit all the weapons in the car boot!"
[We were on our way to Aikido Winter School and needed to pack the bag of wooden weapons - jo (staff) and bokken (sword)]






Nosy Neighbour #1: Well whatever she's been up to, she's certainly looking the worse for wear... did you see her on Sunday? Crawling around like she's just gone 10 rounds in the ring with Mike Tyson, and with the bruises to show for it!
[Aikido Winter School related injuries.... well, sort of! We were watching the black belts grading when suddenly the fire alarms went off. LOUDLY. In my haste to get out of the sport centre - I could actually smell burning - I tripped down the spectator stand and rammed my leg into a sharp metal object. I have the Mother of all bruises running the length of my thigh. Ouch!]


...........

I've been a bit scarce lately... apologies for that! Just lacking in inspiration and otherwise distracted. Not worth saying anything, unless you have something worth saying....

Hope to catch up with you all soon!






Thursday, 25 August 2011

All A Blur

Well I'm back from Aikido Summer School, moreless in one piece and sporting a range of bruises in various shades of indigo to violet, with just a hint of blueberry. Thankfully, no broken bones!

I may have learnt a lot, but I can't really tell you what, as it has all merged and blurred into one. I certainly exhausted myself and pushed myself to the edge of my fitness level.

The highlight for me was the opportunity to watch the Dan grades in action...












Daddy's little helpers


I did get chance to do some exploring of the local area too, but more on that another day....

Friday, 19 August 2011

Summer Break



Thank [insert whatever deity you do (or don't if you're atheist) worship] it's Friday! And the start of a mini Summer break for me...although depressingly, this last week has turned distinctly autumnal, which kind of throws out my mini Autumn break planned for September. By then, it may be snowing...

Regardless of the shifting seasons, I'll be heading off to Aikido Summer School in the wilds of Shropshire this weekend, and hopefully doing a bit of exploring of the local area inbetween sessions on the mat. Our Sensei has hired a huge farmhouse to accomodate those attending, and it will be interesting to see how all the different personalities get along when forced to live together for a few days.... Tattoo Man, Get-A-Pedicure-Man! Man, and Hippy Chick (not me!) could make for an eclectic mix. People may start to get a little edgy.




Assuming I survive Summer School on both physical and mental fronts, I have a couple of day trips planned after that... but more on those later.

I'll leave you with a sunset show from Wednesday evening.....






You know the old saying..."Red Sky at Night, Sailors' Delight"? Well, what a load of old tosh.... it peed down something awful the whole of yesterday. Anyone would think Gerard Depardieu was in the vicinity... oui!, oui! (or rather wee wee?), the pee pee jokes have all been done by now, but Nat is usually slightly behind the times.


Take care everyone and catch up with you soon...


Friday, 5 August 2011

Putting Things Into Perspective

I had the blues because I had no shoes until upon the street, I met a man who had no feet.
Ancient Persian Saying



Depending on how often you swing by here to read this drivel inspiring prose, you may have noticed that I was having a bit of a bad day yesterday... never fear, faithful readers, I’m not back on here today to do more biatching about the sorry state of my life... but rather to tell you how the day ended, and how it certainly put things into perspective for me, at least.



With the way things were going yesterday, I was in two minds about heading out to our regular Thursday evening Aikido class. Fully expecting to break an ankle, acquire a black eye or have someone crash land their fat ass on my head (again!)... and all that before I’d even gotten out of the parking lot and into the sports centre... I was pleasantly surprised to have a really good class.

I could actually grasp the techniques being taught fairly easily, Sensei did not haul me up in front of the class to show up my ineptness (under the guises of “demonstrating” what needs doing) and the aerobic exercise was doing me a world of good.

Towards the end of the class, it became apparent that one of the guys (Sweaty Man*) was not feeling too well. I’d actually spoken to him at the start of class, as he hadn’t been for a while and I wondered if he’d been away on holiday... he had in fact been ill with a rather nasty inner ear infection (labyrinthitis), that had kept him bedbound for weeks. Sweaty Man was taking strain and went to sit out at the side and drink some water, but he was clearly not right.....

Slurred speech, loss of the use of his right arm, his face seemed droopy on one side.... alarm bells started ringing! These are the classic symptoms of stroke!

B charged off to call an ambulance and paramedics were on the scene within minutes. They checked Sweaty Man over and said it was almost certainly a recurrence of his labyrinthitis (the symptoms are almost identical!), but they would take him into hospital for observation.

In the meantime, some of us were going through the emergency contact numbers we’ve all had to provide, thinking someone should let his wife know... but before anyone could pick up the phone, Sensei told us quietly that Sweaty Man had split up from his wife a few weeks’ back so perhaps she was not the best person to call.

Poor bloke! His marriage is breaking down and he has some serious health issues... he really is having a bad time. Kind of made my little problems of porridge exploding in the microwave and clients being their usual annoying selves seem...well, quite trivial and pathetic, really.




Sensei accompanied Sweaty Man to the hospital... and was thankfully able to report later that Sweaty Man had recovered, that it was indeed his ear problem giving him hassles. So, all’s well that ends well, and today is Friday!



Happy weekend, everyone!

Source

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* I have nicknames for many of my fellow Aikidoers... Tattoo Man, Burpy Man, Spider Man, Get-A-Pedicure-Man! and so on that I wrote about here and here.

Sunday, 26 June 2011

Scorchio!

“Mad dogs and Englishmen go out in the midday sun.” Noel Coward



And on the hottest day of the year so far, only lunatics sign up for a hectic 3-hour Aikido session… in a packed sauna of a dojo*, while dressed in super-mega-thick thermal insulating Gis**!

Yet again, today I had good reason to question my sanity. I could have spent the day chilling in the garden, ice cold drink in hand... having a well-earned rest, after another marathon session of house cleaning yesterday [yes, the dust busting still goes on, but we are very nearly there!]

But instead, I chose to spend it being thrown around on yet another gruelling Aikido course… and not just any course, one that a Very Important Sensei from Japan came over to teach. The dojo was packed to the rafters with hot, steamy, bodies… most of them far more experienced than me. I’d hoped to fly below the radar, but no just luck! Sensei singled me out not once, twice but three times to correct me on the error of my ways. So I was feeling the heat on all aspects….

Hot dog pic found here

Hope your weekends have been a bit more chilled than mine!

..................

* A Japanese term which literally means "place of the way". The term can refer to a formal training place for any of the Japanese do arts but typically it is considered the formal gathering place for students of any Japanese martial arts style to conduct training, examinations and other related encounters.

**Aikidogi is the formal Japanese name for the uniform used for Aikido training. Most practitioners simply call it a gi or dogi. 

Wednesday, 22 December 2010

How Did I Do?

As the year draws rapidly to an end, it’s time for me to revisit my Hope To Do List For 2010 and see how I got on with my goals...



1. Become Master Ninja at Aikido
Ha! This is never actually going to happen...I struggle to work out my left foot from my right most of the time. Then there's the minor issue of a morbid fear of rolling head over heels (break falling). Amazingly, I did manage to pass my first grading though.

2. Get superfit and svelte
I’m certainly fitter (thanks to the energetic Aikido classes and boxercise sessions with Muscle Man) but as long as there is a source of chocolate on this planet, I’m never ever going to be svelte...



3. Run the 10 km Race For Life
Well, it was more of a jog/shuffle/hobble than a run, but I did it, raising £175 for Cancer Research. Then I walked a half marathon, raising £225 for Macmillan Cancer Support. I’m very glad that I took part in both.

4. See the Dutch bulbfields
I really tried to...but I hadn’t counted on a $%^&ing Icelandic volcano spewing an ash cloud into the sky and shutting down European airspace, just a few days before I was scheduled to leave. I am still fighting for my travel insurance to cough up the money they owe me for my cancelled trip, and along with hundreds of thousands of equally conned people, I’m waiting on the Financial Ombudsman to make her final decision. I'm not holding my breath...

5. Take a city break in Berlin
Didn’t happen. I was a bit put off city breaks after the Amsterdam fiasco. I did get to see Lisbon (briefly as I was at a conference), somehow managing to fly in and out between ash cloud disruptions, and I was wowed by the beautiful city of Seville during the Andalusian adventure. 

6. Visit Canada (or China or Japan)
O Canada!  I had a fantastic trip to Vancouver Island and the Rockies in June that you may have read about in my couple of dozen posts. Absolutely loved it and hope to return soon. As for China or Japan...watch this space as we’re hoping to squeeze in a visit somewhere in the East in the second half of 2011.




7. Stop worrying about things I cannot control
Definitely didn’t happen. I have spent a large part of the year worrying about something or another, most often my dad’s health, which has unfortunately not been too great lately.

8. Overcome my fear of driving
I was forced into this.... with B being away for business and my dad in and out of hospital in another part of the country, I had to do some hairy driving on Britain’s motorways this year. Now, with the icey weather upon us, I’m trying to get to grips (literally) with snow driving.

9. Let go of people who bring me down
Again, this didn’t really happen, although I’ve learnt to sometimes screen my calls….some days I just can’t deal with anyone else’s (really quite trivial, self-inflicted) problems.



10. Plan and save for a new kitchen
This became quite urgent earlier this month, when the door fell off our oven…it’s back on now, but we broke the handle in the process, meaning we now have to prise the door open with a knife and burn ourselves senseless. I've decided I want a sleek black and white kitchen….the designs are in, finances are under review, so watch this space.

11. Learn to cook properly
While having a decrepit oven doesn’t inspire me to undertake anything too complicated, I can make some damn good lamb stew (in the slow cooker), roast chicken and lasagna, and I can bake a great banana bread. What else would anyone want? Best thing I bought this year…an egg poaching pan.



12. Watch 3 classic films
Does watching 'Love Actually' for the tenth time count? Just never found the time this year…probably because I was too busy watching rubbish TV.

13. Watch less rubbish TV, read more good books
Epic fail on this one (see 12 above).



How did you get on with your new year plans in 2010?

Monday, 1 November 2010

On All Things Decrepit

Hey ghouls and boils…hope you all had a happy Halloween!




The Night of The Living Dead may well be over, but I was doing a pretty good impersonation of a zombie this morning…..and not just because my body clock is off kilter, thanks to the switch from British Summer Time back to GMT this weekend. Hate this time of year, when the evenings suddenly draw in and it’s dark by 5 pm! Here’s hoping Parliament agree to proposals that we shift to European Standard Time next March.

I’m feeling rather decrepit today thanks to a series of injuries (stiff neck and shoulder, bruised hand and foot) acquired during my first ever Aikido grading (6th Kyu) yesterday evening. Amazingly, I passed…yes, me with the chronic performance anxiety and two left feet…. woot woot!  Must have been the hefty dose of adrenaline coursing through my veins, as I felt no pain at the time but could hardly move by the time I got home last night and I am certainly not fit for purpose today….

A bit like the “Squeezy Jet” plane on which I flew to Spain. Our Andalusian Adventure got off to a bit of a shaky start when, just as we were finally in the air - after a two-hour wait on the plane for take-off (apparently a  knock-on of the French air traffic controllers’ strike) and a refuelling (as we’d chewed up all the fuel running the engines and going nowhere) - the pilot cheerily informed us that we’d also been waiting on the engineer to come and check a technical fault... a fault that he was going to check on take-off... 

HANG ON! 

On take-off??? What exactly was this 'technical fault'….bit late to discover it was something to do with the landing gear when we were already airborne! Not being the greatest flyer at the best of times, I was in a heighted state of anxiety by the time we made our bumpy but thankfully safe landing at Malaga.


Decrepit house, Andalusia


Where there’s smoke there’s fire, or say they say…all I know is that if smoke is coming out of your camera every time you fire the flash, there is possibly a rather serious...er... technical fault with said camera. This happened the second day into the Spanish trip and had me slightly concerned that I would be unable to capture anything from the trip…or have to spend half the day in Seville desperately trying to buy a replacement. Luckily, Old Smokey held up for the duration…it’s now on its way back to the manufacturer for a check-up.  

In the meantime, here's some of its lesser known work….taken on the Isle of Wight and just about in time for Halloween…


Pumpkins



Sunday, 8 August 2010

Note To Self

If you're going to use predictive text, be sure to proofread your SMS before you send it....otherwise asking your yoga savvy friend for some tips that would be handy for Aikido may well be sent as:

Can you please show me some yoga breathing techs?
Would really help my libido.



Monday, 7 June 2010

On Jedi Knights, Elvis Presley and Bear Skin Hats



Yesterday, we had a half-day Aikido training course in weapons... although Aikido is known as a nonviolent, noncompetitive martial art, much of its technical structure derives from the art of swordsmanship. Wooden weapons are often used as training tools to better illustrate Aikido principles and movements and to train in self-defense against weapons. The three main weapons are the boken or ken (wooden sword), jo (wooden short staff), and tanto (wooden knife).


Our Sensei arranged for a Very Important Aikido Dude (6th Dan and almost as important as O Great One that I wrote about here) to come and teach the class. Once again we were primed to be on our bestest behaviour and not show up our dear Sensei....tempted as I was to take the piss, I reckoned he may have suffered a sense of humour failure if I’d pitched up with my own Weapon of Mass Destruction, perhaps a very big umbrella (hey, I’ve had one confiscated by Edinburgh airport security) or novelty Star Wars glow-in-the dark light saber.


On the topic of Star Wars and light sabers, VIAD (a sprightly 70-year old who’s a walking advert for the benefits of keeping yourself fit and supple all your life) was quick to point out that we are NOT to grip the boken or wave it about above our heads a là Luke Skywalker and friends. The sword handle needs to be held as if it is an injured bird, just enough strength to stop it getting away, but not to cause any harm. “The boken will do its own work”, VIAD said. He had a lot to say in fact...typically, he’d pause in the middle of demonstrating a technique (usually when we were all in posture, arms stretched out clasping our boken with no one daring to release their grasp) and begin a long oratory of his views on life, the universe and everything else between.

An interesting chap, but after 3 hours of this, my aching arms made me want to yell out “Dude, in the words of the great Elvis Presley: ‘A little less conversation, a little more action, please!’” Possibly that would have drawn a bit too much attention my way...as it was, he singled me out early on, apparently delighted to see a “young lady in our midst ”....hey, to him, I’m young...as there are some very senior women in Aikido but not enough joining the ranks.


When we did actually get to do some Sword Action, it was great fun and quite therapeutic with only the odd bashed head or two. I suggested to B we have a practice session in the garden this evening (the ceilings are too low in the house). That should give the neighbours something to gawk at....maybe they’ll think twice about letting their cats use our garden as a public convenience if they think we’re armed and dangerous!

I’m going to end this ramble with a picture I came across in a daily tabloid. Captioned “Fainting of The Guard”, it shows an unfortunate Scots Guardsman who fainted at a final rehearsal for next weekend’s Trooping The Colour. Saturday was a hot, hot day...ideal for going to the beach, but not for standing perfectly still while wearing a 2lb bearskin. Protocol forbids his compatriots from batting an eyelid, let alone checking if he is OK...

Eyes front....

Monday, 29 March 2010

On Agony And Aikido

I do sometimes wonder if I took leave of my senses the day I signed up for Aikido classes. Why else would I voluntarily spend 3 hours on a Sunday afternoon getting thrown about a gymnasium, acquiring new bruises on top of my older, fading bruises when I could be....well, doing pretty much anything else that does not involve strenuous physical activity and the possibility of long-term injury?

Yesterday, in place of our usual evening class, we had a special afternoon course that was run by a Very Important Aikido Dude (he’s been practising for 47 years and is 7th Dan whereas our Sensei [instructor] has only been in the game a mere 17 years and is a lowly 2nd Dan). The visit by O Great One was something of a highlight in our Sensei’s calendar...he’s been like a little boy the day before Christmas for the past couple of weeks and has been getting us primed in the correct etiquette for the visit.

You could tell he was a bit anxious that we would not behave ourselves appropriately, as we are fairly easygoing as a club, unlike some of the other Aikido clubs around here that are apparently very formal and do stand on ceremony somewhat. Of course, this provided me with some ammunition to take the piss a bit with our Sensei (normally a very relaxed type of bloke who’s up for a laugh)....

Me: “So you’re saying we shouldn’t pitch up on the day with Karate Kid style headbands?”
Sensei: “Er....no.”
Me: “Hey, how do you feel about me tie-dying my gi for the occasion? I’ve heard if you throw a red sock and a blue sock in and wash it on 90°C, you can get a great colour mix?”
Sensei: “Don’t even think about it!”

Unsuitable Aikido attire:

Picture found HERE

Picture found HERE

At the same time, I was a bit apprehensive about this visit by O Great One, as I’d heard via the grapevine that he was fairly hardcore and has left black belts squealing by the end of his class.

Me: “So, he does know that some of us have only been doing this for a couple of months?”
Sensei: “I’ve given him a rundown on everyone’s abilities” [Read: "He knows that you are useless!”]

Finally, after weeks of anticipation and preparation, it’s the day before O Great One's Class, and guess what?! I wake up with an excruciating pain in my right leg. It’s so bad that I can’t lift my leg more than 2 cm off the ground, and to get off the bed or in and out the bath, I have to lift my leg using both my hands clasped behind my knee. Going up and down stairs is sheer torture, and takes about 10 minutes of “decrepit old lady shuffling”...I told B to “Shoot me now, coz if this is what old age has in store for me, I’m not sure I want to be around for it!” I have no idea what I did to my leg as I was walking around just fine the day before, so I don't think I injured it in Thursday's class. I took two long, hot baths to try and soothe the muscles, tried every leg stretch in the book, and was popping pills four-hourly, but nothing seemed to ease the pain.

I’d moreorless resigned myself to the fact that I was not going to be capable of walking up the stairs to the dojo for the class the next day, let alone spend 3 hours lunging, grappling, rolling and falling about the mat. I was incredibly annoyed, as I was keen to take the class and was sure that Sensei would think I was just chickening out....although to be fair, he may have been secretly relieved if The One Who Doesn’t Know Her Left Leg From Her Right was not there to show him up in front of O Great One.



Anyway, I hardly slept Saturday night from the leg discomfort, and woke up groggy on Sunday (the clocks moving forward to Summer Time with a subsequent loss of one hour’s sleep hardly helped). My leg was still throbbing, but I was adamant I was going to go along anyway, even if I had to just watch the class from the sidelines. I’m hobbling up the stairs (in my pure white gi and headbandless) and run into Sensei, who is positively bristling with excitement, on his way to meet and greet O Great One. I mentioned that I was the 'Walking Wounded', so he should please excuse me should I retreat to the back to watch. He said to “do only what you feel comfortable with doing”. [Read: "Why don't you just sit out for the whole class and thereby not embarrass me!"]

Either the accumulated dose of painkillers I’d popped the day before suddenly kicked in or the intensive warm-up stretches at the start of the class pulled my muscles back into shape, but I somehow lasted the full 3 hours without stepping out once. I thoroughly enjoyed the class....O Great One was completely affable and down to earth, spending lots of time with each of us. There were also five black belts with from his dojo, always on hand to demonstrate the techniques so we learnt a lot more than in a typical class. I was utterly shattered afterwards and in bed by 8 pm, but so glad I managed to attend the class in the end.

And today, many new bruises but thankfully no pain....



Tuesday, 16 March 2010

Performance Anxiety



The thing I fear most at the start of every Aikido class (obviously apart from incurring grievous bodily harm along the lines of a cracked skull or shattered shoulder from an ukemi gone wrong) is being called up by Sensei to play uke (‘attacker’) while he demonstrates a technique to the class. Fortunately, as I am still completely useless one of the newbies, this has only happened twice so far and he usually asks someone who actually has a vague idea of what they are expected to do....or at least knows their left leg from their right...

Sensei: “Place your left leg forward...the other left leg...no, the other left leg...OK, you know the leg you have forward now? Well, it’s not that one!”

Never one to enjoy being the centre of attention, I feel extremely self conscious and awkward and become quite ‘incompos mentis’ if asked to stand up and speak or even walk in front of loads of people. I’m far happier being an observer in the crowd.

I was always in the background for school plays, and would keep quiet in class if I knew the answer, refusing to read aloud as I was too embarrassed to do so in front of my class. Consequently, for most of my first year of school, the teacher assumed that I had a learning disability and recommended that my parents consider placing me in a school for children with special needs, as my reading and speech skills apparently lagged so far behind the rest of my class. This puzzled my parents: “She never shuts up at home, and she’s been easily reading the school books of the neighbour’s son...and he’s three years’ ahead of her in school!”

Wasn't much fun for me for long

In later life I had to learn to overcome my extreme shyness to cope with oral examinations and presentations, and panel interviews for a university scholarship, a postgraduate university place and jobs...but these have been some of the biggest challenges of my life.

With the rise in popularity of reality TV shows over the past decade, it seems like “Everyone wants to be on TV” and there is no shortage of fame-hungry people, willing to bare their bodies and souls for their five seconds in the limelight.

But I’m in no position to pass judgement on others. I must confess that I have in fact appeared on TV, way back when I represented my school in the Zimbabwe National High Schools Quiz. Yeah, yeah I am was a complete geek and I also didn’t really have a choice in the matter....feigning sudden appendicitis/leprosy/smallpox/bubonic plague didn’t hold much sway with the Great Dictator ("I only vant to hear von click!") aka my headmistress. I consoled myself with the hope that no 'normal' people would be watching the programme...but unfortunately this was in the days before satellite TV had really kicked off and therefore most of the country that owned a set were tuned into primetime viewing on that one (and only) channel.


I was never this 'cool' at school

Our school team made it to the semi-finals, which went to a dead heat...and then we were just pipped to the post for a place in the finals. My parents were ever so proud and kept a videotape recording of the show, that they would haul out and play to long-suffering relatives. What a relief when that accursed tape went astray when my family packed up to move over to the UK....

Wednesday, 3 March 2010

Wardrobe Malfunction

I recently decided that I’d go the whole hog with the Aikido lark and invest in a gi...thereby at least I can look the part even if I have absolutely no idea of what I’m doing!


Was there ever a less flattering outfit on the planet? It’s almost as bad as my old school uniform (the delightful combo of a navy blue, below the knee length box pleat skirt and beige safari suit style top) for adding the pounds onto my already ample derrière. Seriously, Skeletal Spice (Victoria Beckham) would look like she’s been eating all the pies in this gear.

Anyways, I’m not in this for the fashion stakes. What I am more worried about is having a wardrobe malfunction akin to Janet Jackson’s infamous Super Bowl incident back in 2004. The last thing I need is my ukemi turning into a “viewkemi”, much to delight of the male populace of the dojo. And thus I am investing in many high necked white t-shirts to wear under the jacket and over a super-shock-absorbing sports bra...I reckon my hips will take care of holding up the trousers.

Many moons ago, I had the dubious pleasure of working with an exceptionally accident-prone girl. I’m not sure if she was scatterbrained or just really unlucky, but every day seemed to spell fresh disasters for her....like the time she left her laptop on a train, the laptop that held the only copy of her PhD thesis that she’s been writing up for over 6 months and hadn’t once thought to make a back-up! Not long after this tragedy, she was on her way to work when she inadvertently lost her skirt in a freak accident involving rapidly closing train doors. Mortified, the poor girl had to cover her modesty with her empty laptop case, jump into the first taxi cab to draw up outside the station, who was willing to whisk her away to the high street for some hasty clothes’ shopping before work. As it was, she already had a bit of a reputation around the office for wearing outfits that most other people would not consider appropriate business attire. Golden rule, ladies...if you’re going to wear a lace-up blouse probably more at home on the set of “Pirates of the Caribbean”, don’t forget your bra...


Arrrrrrr!

Wednesday, 17 February 2010

Up Close And Personal


Dear Fellow Aikidoer

You may have noticed that we’re spending quite a lot of time together, barefoot in the dojo. Therefore, can I please ask you just one small thing? If you have toenails that look anything like this....




Get a frikking pedicure! You could take someone’s eye out with those things....and since I am forced to spend an unusually long period of time staring at your feet when it’s my turn to play uke (attacker) and you take my balance...I don’t particularly want to be eyeballing those freaky little piggies.

While we’re on the topic of personal hygiene, you may want to reconsider your choice of anti-perspirant deodorant...by which I mean, if you don’t normally wear any, it’s a ripe old time to start. This would be particularly helpful when we’re practising irimi nage, when my face is pretty much stuck underneath your armpit.

Yours truly

Ninja Nat

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Back in the days when I still worked in an office, I had one particularly pongy colleague who sat directly behind me. He was a bit of a boozer, usually arriving late at work in the mornings, unshowered and still reeking like the end of the night before. He also smoked heavily, taking frequent ciggie breaks, and thus smelling ever ranker as the day wore on. I was convinced that a cat must have at some point peed in his shoes, so stale and sour was the scent that took command of the air whenever he walked past.

Eventually, we could take it no more...the whiff of this unwashed wonder was aggravating the morning sickness in one of my pregnant workmates, and we were all struggling to focus through the fetid fumes. I decided to go and have a subtle word with our manager, in her blissfully fresh-fragranced, air-conditioned office. I hoped she would tactfully convince “Pepe Le Peu” to perhaps take the odd bath and wash his clothes, maybe go easy on the booze and fags on school nights.

I’m not sure if something got lost in translation ("Pepe" had recently moved to London from Paris) or if my manager just chickened out from telling him outright that he stank (he was pretty crap at his job too), but somehow he walked away from their meeting thinking he just needed to tone down his garlicky food a clove or two. "Pepe’s" solution....to freshen his breath by LOUDLY munching on mints the WHOLE FRIKKING DAY LONG. So, not only did we have to put up with the assault of his fruity odour on our nostrils, we now had to contend with a constant crunching sound in the background.

Luckily for us, he really did stink at his job, and when his contract came to an end a few weeks later....it was not renewed.

C’est la vie!

Monday, 8 February 2010

The Weekend In Colour




It was a dismally grey, foggy weekend, yet I found a whole rainbow of colours....

Red – the sanguine hues of “Spanish” chicken casserole....I tried out an old family recipe that marinades chicken thighs in onions, red peppers, red wine, chicken stock, a hefty dose of paprika, bay leaves and whole peppercorns (Note to self: invest in muslin spice cooking bags as whole peppercorns may be delightfully crunchy for a moment, but soon become overpoweringly peppery, and fishing them out of the pot with a slotted spoon is the culinary equivalent of watching paint dry).

Orange – the brash tone (akin to the toxic E number 111) sported by a well-known no frills airline....I’ve booked cheap flights to Amsterdam for mid April to (hopefully) coincide with the tulips in full bloom.

Yellow – lashings of custard over sticky toffee pudding....catching up with an old friend over lunch in a cosy pub in Cambridgeshire, discussing life, love, the universe and everything else.

Green – the lush forests of the Canadian Rockies in summer, gloriously portrayed in glossy travel brochures...and the shade of B’s gills when he clocked the price of a fortnight’s holiday by said forests!

Blue – the colour the air turned when, after two months of searching and finally finding bathroom accessories befitting our newly renovated cloakroom (temple to the revered Gas Bill), an accursed screw snapped during the fixing of the “Stockholm” swivel chrome hand towel rail (not from Ikea!). We will now have to pay Handy Man to extract the broken screw from its socket, a job probably entailing knocking a chunk out of the freshly plastered wall, replastering and redecorating...which goes to show we really can’t be trusted to do any DIY and should just leave it to the professionals... or continue to live in an authentic 1970s hovel.

Indigo and violet – the high fashion shades of the bruise extending from my shoulder to my elbow...the result of an Aikido roll that went horribly wrong last night. I’m also limping with a badly stubbed toe, and my back feels like I’ve been left on a medieval torture rack overnight....that’s what comes from going up against Tattoo Man.

Hope your weekend was as colourful.