Up Close And Personal

Dear Fellow Aikidoer

You may have noticed that we’re spending quite a lot of time together, barefoot in the dojo. Therefore, can I please ask you just one small thing? If you have toenails that look anything like this....

Get a frikking pedicure! You could take someone’s eye out with those things....and since I am forced to spend an unusually long period of time staring at your feet when it’s my turn to play uke (attacker) and you take my balance...I don’t particularly want to be eyeballing those freaky little piggies.

While we’re on the topic of personal hygiene, you may want to reconsider your choice of anti-perspirant deodorant...by which I mean, if you don’t normally wear any, it’s a ripe old time to start. This would be particularly helpful when we’re practising irimi nage, when my face is pretty much stuck underneath your armpit.

Yours truly

Ninja Nat

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Back in the days when I still worked in an office, I had one particularly pongy colleague who sat directly behind me. He was a bit of a boozer, usually arriving late at work in the mornings, unshowered and still reeking like the end of the night before. He also smoked heavily, taking frequent ciggie breaks, and thus smelling ever ranker as the day wore on. I was convinced that a cat must have at some point peed in his shoes, so stale and sour was the scent that took command of the air whenever he walked past.

Eventually, we could take it no more...the whiff of this unwashed wonder was aggravating the morning sickness in one of my pregnant workmates, and we were all struggling to focus through the fetid fumes. I decided to go and have a subtle word with our manager, in her blissfully fresh-fragranced, air-conditioned office. I hoped she would tactfully convince “Pepe Le Peu” to perhaps take the odd bath and wash his clothes, maybe go easy on the booze and fags on school nights.

I’m not sure if something got lost in translation ("Pepe" had recently moved to London from Paris) or if my manager just chickened out from telling him outright that he stank (he was pretty crap at his job too), but somehow he walked away from their meeting thinking he just needed to tone down his garlicky food a clove or two. "Pepe’s" solution....to freshen his breath by LOUDLY munching on mints the WHOLE FRIKKING DAY LONG. So, not only did we have to put up with the assault of his fruity odour on our nostrils, we now had to contend with a constant crunching sound in the background.

Luckily for us, he really did stink at his job, and when his contract came to an end a few weeks later....it was not renewed.

C’est la vie!