Computer Says No!

The end is nigh! Computers are taking over the world....or our cars, at least.

Da Hoff on Da Hood

 Earlier this week, Toyota recalled its Prius model....not to rectify a mechanical fault but a software glitch. All that's needed is a quick update to recalibrate the electrically generated pedal "feel" in the braking system, which just goes to show how deeply computer control is embedded in today's cars.

And don’t I know it!

This morning I received a letter from Citroen informing me that my diesel C3 (it isn’t sexy but it is eco-friendly) needs to be “subject to an operation to download a new software version for the lighting controls.” Apparently, this will “eliminate any potential problems which would cause random switching off of the vehicle lamps”.

So I could be driving down a dark country road one stormy night and suddenly be plunged incognito? Mind you, it wouldn’t be the first time I’ve driven around by night without my lights on...although those other occasions were strictly due to driver error, not a computer glitch. One night a few years back, I was embarrassingly stopped by a policeman who wondered if “Madam knew she was driving without her lights switched on?” I was driving through a town with powerful street lights at the time. However, on another particularly gormless occasion, I drove for a good five minutes down a rural road, with just the moonlight to guide me through the inky blackness, before the lights went on (in my head and on my car!)

I do like my car, but she has one annoying little feature...as soon as the temperature dips below 4°C, a warning “Risk of Ice!” flashes across on the dashboard, accompanied by an ear-piercing beep! The first time this happened, I almost swerved onto the kerb with shock and had to rush home to change my pants (by which I do mean undergarments). This "Risk Of Ice" function has really outstayed its already dubious welcome this winter....I  don't think the outside temperature has inched above 2°C since November....and I can't figure out how to turn the bleeping thing off!

Similar “helpful” but loud messages from my car’s computer system include:

“You need to find a garage now! Only 65 miles of juice left in the tank!”
“Your next service is due in 1000 miles” and
“DumbAss! You left the lights on/keys in the ignition!”

Back in the old days, we owned a decrepit, 1981 VW Golf (I think it was cream but it was hard to tell from all the rust), which had none of these high-tech features. Driving was always an adventure. Occasionally, bits and pieces would fly off and bounce down the road behind us...if the car was still running, we generally wouldn’t bother to stop to pick up the stray bit, as it obviously was not an essential engine component. The car horn was fixed to the centre of the steering wheel....I use the term “fixed” rather loosely as frequently the panel would dislodge and land in my lap while I was driving, rendering me hornless...a great disability in South Africa, where driving with one hand on the “hooter” is commonplace (I had to adapt my way of driving when we moved to the UK...amazingly, most Brits very rarely tap their horn).

Rain leaked in on the passenger side and, as the engine was fan-cooled, the Golf overheated almost daily. We somehow figured out that driving with the heater on full blast counteracted the engine heat...fine in winter but not so cool in the long, hot Cape summers. Not surprisingly, the car broke down countless times...many a morning saw me pushing the accursed heap of rust, desperately trying to get it started...at least to get it down to the local garage for yet another round of repairs.

Strangely, I felt quite sad the day we finally parted company with the old girl...I’d learnt to drive in her, grinding her gears and burning out the clutch. We had no shortage of prospective buyers...in fact for months before we sold her, complete strangers would come up to us asking if they could please buy our Golf. That dilapidated old thing? I started wondering if there were diamonds stashed in her somewhere as the rusty old bucket seemed highly desirable.

Turns out those old VW Golf cars are a mechanics dream....easily fixed and cheap to run, no onboard computers, no software upgrades....just good old fashioned nuts and bolts. Our old Golf (now lovingly restored by her new owner, the security officer/part time "Grease Monkey" at B's old workplace) will probably still be happily running along the steep, windy roads of Cape Town, long after our C3 fails to reboot one frosty morning.