Better In Than Out...

And now I bring you some breaking news… well, news about breaking wind, at least…

The government of Malawi (yes that little African country where Madonna likes to go baby shopping) is planning on putting a plug in public pooting. Call the flatulence police… coz breaking wind will soon be a crime. 

Plans to punish persistent offenders 'who foul the air' is all part of the government’s bid to 'mould responsible and disciplined citizens.' But locals fear that pinning responsibility on the crime will be difficult - and may lead to miscarriages of justice as 'criminals' attempt to blame others for their offence.

Personally, I wouldn’t kick up such a stink about it.

 

Pot Luck Photos

When I was going through my archives for the pictures I posted on A Strange Thing Happened To Me On Holiday, I came across some random photos that I'd filed away, then forgotten about.

They don't really fit anywhere in particular, but here they are anyway...

Old wooden door - taken in one of the White Villages, Andalusia

Gate pillar - Isle of Wight

Roof tiles - Andalusia

Gravestone - Isle of Wight

The Ice House - Osborne House, Isle of Wight

New Age Dear Johns

I was emailed these earlier by a friend and thought I'd share them on this otherwise dull and boring day....

Dear Noah

We could have sworn you said the ark wasn't leaving till 5.

Sincerely, Unicorns



Dear Icebergs

Sorry to hear about the global warming. Karma's a bitch.

Sincerely, The Titanic



Dear Yahoo

I've never heard anyone say, "I don't know, let's Yahoo! it..." just saying...

Sincerely, Google

Dear Taylor Swift

If it is of any interest to you, Romeo and Juliet both kill themselves in the end.

Sincerely, Shakespeare

Dear Saturn

I liked it, so I put a ring on it.

Sincerely, God

Dear Windshield Wipers

Can't touch this.

Sincerely, That Little Triangle

Dear Rubik's Cube

Done!

Sincerely, Colourblind

Dear Boys Wearing Skinny Jeans

We. Can't. Breathe.

Sincerely, Your Balls

Dear Twilight fans

Please realize that because vampires are dead and have no blood pumping through them, they can never get an erection.

Enjoy fantasizing about that.

Sincerely, Logic

 

Dear Prince Charming

You've got some explaining to do!

Sincerely, Cinderella, Snow White, Rapunzel, and Sleeping Beauty

The Social Network

So, last Thursday my normally quite dormant FaceBook page was a hive of activity...FBFs (that's FaceBook Friends) were stopping by all day long, with birthday greetings.... and the inevitable jibes about my impending old age.

Like this one....

FBF1: Happy Birthday old girl!! :) Have a wonderful day! Your chromed-walker is on back-order!

FBF2: ‎(fighting talk!! :) )

FBF1: But I should get brownie points for "chromed".. shouldn't I.. ?

FBF2: Perhaps gold encrusted with diamonds would have been in line for a single Brownie point.

FBF1: Wow, tough crowd.. Are you calling the birthday girl a hard-to-please?

Me [much later in the day]: Oi! Talking behind my back you two? Thanks FBF1...did you get a BOGOF deal when you ordered yours?

FBF1: Behind your back?.. thought they said the memory was the first to go.. sounds like it's the hearing for you, mate :) Sorry, I'm not up on the pensioner lingo.. BOGOF.. British Old Girl Something Something..? oh, is that buy one get one free,... is it.. nice one.. Can't order one for meself, there'd be nothing good to look forward to when I get to your age, dearie.. :))

FBF2: Haha, good one, Nat.

Who needs enemies, hey? But I do just love the way two people who have never met each other, sitting on other sides of the world... the one in LA, the one in South Africa... can have a "conversation" on my page like that. I guess that's why it's called social networking...



Thirty Seven....And Counting

Enough said....where's my cake?

A Strange Thing Happened To Me On Holiday

Or rather a series of funny things happened to me on my recent travels. I never did get round to relaying these tales at the time, but here’s a collection of slightly odd happenings from the Isle of Wight, Spain and, more recently, Wales.

Sunset, Isle of Wight

Sex On The Beach
It’s a popular cocktail made from vodka, peach schnapps, cranberry juice and orange juice. It’s also an activity that some of the locals on the Isle of Wight apparently like to – er – indulge in, in broad daylight (well the sun hadn’t quite set yet)... when I’m walking right past them on my way back to our rented cottage (the Clock House). It was too late to turn back, so I just kept on walking by, eyes front (thanking my lucky stars for my huge sunglasses to shield my expression). Get a room, people!

The Clock House

Things That Go Bump In the Night
It seems the couple on the beach weren’t the only ones feeling frisky…in the early hours of the following morning, I sat bolt upright in bed, convinced that some very noisy burglars (or possibly some ghosts) were riffling through our stuff. After listening to loud scratching, thumping and what sounded like heavy objects being dragged about for a good minute, I woke B up to do the “Man Investigating Strange Noise Thing”. He stomped around putting on all the lights and checking windows and doors….naturally the noises stopped immediately…. and concluded that there must be rats in the roof. I reckoned they must have been having a full blown Roman orgy between the rafters for creatures that tiny to make such a lot of noise….

Wedgewood clock in The Clock House

Who Let The Dogs Out?
The Andalusian farmhouse that I wrote about here came complete with several rather mangy but affectionate old cats, and three resident dogs…

Marta, Chico and the ever-grinning Churro

These three canine chums loved nothing better than going for walkies, so the hosts asked that we ensure a member of staff kept them locked in when we set off in the mornings. One day, we were a good mile from the house when some of our party looked back and saw a dust cloud coming along the road to us… the dust being thrown up by 12 little doggy legs, running their hardest to catch us up. Our guide phoned the owner and got his permission that we keep the dogs for the day. Fashioning two leads out of some scraps of rope found lying among the olive grove and one from a camera bag strap, the delighted dogs were soon good to go.

They kept up the pace well, enjoying a bowl of water (and eyeing the curing hams hanging above their heads) when we stopped in a bar in the next town, and then sharing our picnic lunch. By the time we got back to the farmhouse that evening, they were exhausted…collapsing by the pool to rest.


What should we do with a drunken landlord?
The cosy, coastal cottage for two that we rented in Wales just happened to be right next door to the cottage owner’s house. Not a problem... after a quick welcome and demo of the heating system, the landlady pretty much left us to our own devices for the next couple of days. Not so much her husband.

It was New Year’s Eve, and with just under an hour till the taxi was due to whip us down to the closest town for a bit of shindig at 'The Harbourmaster', he knocked on our door. Under the auspices of wishing us a good evening and imparting his knowledge of the best local watering holes (should we feel like a bit of a pub crawl later that night), he invited himself in, and then cheekily asked if he could have a glass of “that wine you have on the go”. The bottle of red in question was in fact stowed behind the bread bin in the kitchen, and visible only to a true alcoholic eye! Not that I’d begrudge anyone a drink, but time was marching on and, on the rare occasion that I do get dressed up, it takes some time to whip my hair, nails and face into some semblance of respectability.

And the landlord looked like he was settling down for the duration, regaling us with tales of his global travels, working as a fashion artist that would have been fascinating it we’d had the time to chat. It crossed my mind that he might think we were ready to go out...yes, track pants, woolly jumpers and slippers are all the rage at Black Tie events.

The Harbourmaster, NYE

Eventually we managed to diplomatically manoeuvre him out the door, only with a promise that we would pop over for a drink the next evening. When we got there, our friendly landlord had obviously been drinking wine all day long and managed a good few more glasses while we were there. He kept repeating the stories he’d told the night before, over and over and over again. When it came to the point when we thought we could politely retreat to the sanctity of our own cottage, he stood up to see us out...only to collapse back on the couch in a heap. Dreading the possibility of having to endure another session of this the morning of our departure, we were quite relieved when he appeared briefly...looking a bit fragile....and just waved us on our way!

Fantastic Mr Fox

I recently read about how a wiley fox made a miraculous escape from a hunter...by shooting his would-be killer in the leg! The stricken creature had already been shot and wounded, but somehow managed to pull the trigger of the hunter's gun with its paw... as the man tried to finish off the fox with the butt of the rifle. The incident happened in the Grodno region of Belarus (close to the border with Poland), where the hunter remains in hospital. It was not reported whether doctors are treating the man for the leg injury...or for his wounded pride.

This real life story of Fox versus Man is somewhat akin to one of my all-time favourite childhood books, “Fantastic Mr Fox” by Roald Dahl.... I still have a copy of it on my bookshelf today. It tells the story of a very cunning fox that has to use all his wits to foil the plans of three very horrible farmers, who are trying to exterminate him.....

"Boggis and Bunce and Bean
One fat, one short, one lean.

These horrible crooks

So different in looks

Were nonetheless equally mean."

As with all Roald Dahl books, you find yourself rooting for the most unlikely character....in this case, for a fox who steals chickens, ducks and geese to feed his family. Meanwhile, the farmers come out smelling like ... well, something with a whiff of farmyard to it.

I have included some scenes from the animated film adaption of the book that was directed by Wes Anderson (2009). Featuring the voices of George Clooney as Mr. Fox, Meryl Streep as Mrs. Fox and Bill Murray as Badger, the film used classic, handmade, stop-motion animation to bring the characters to life.

I haven’t seen the film yet, but it is definitely on my list of Must-See DVDs this year.

Another Fantastic Fox - I snapped this one in my parents' back garden on Christmas Day

Let's Play Tag!

So....there I was, just innocently lurking about the interwebs, catching up on the celeb gossip pages researching Very Important Scientific Stuff, when... ba da bing ba da boom!... the lovely but devious Leanne at From Chaos Comes Happiness tagged me to do this meme.

Now that you all know who is to blame for the following mind numbingly boring fascinating facts about me, you can pop over later and thank Leanne in person ...but right now you need to focus on Me, Me, Me, just Me (isn’t that what a meme is all about?)

Anyway, pour yourselves a drink, preferably something alcoholic or caffeine-reinforced (you’re going to need it), and let’s begin...

1. if you have pets, do you see them as merely animals, or are they members of your family?
Hmmm....have you read about the antics of our 247 tropical fish on here? Would you want those incestuous little cannibals in your family? I think not...

2. if you can have a dream come true, what would it be?
OK, this is probably going to sound a bit contrived, but right now I just wish that everyone important in my life was healthy and happy.

3. what is the one thing most hated by you?
Arrogance...people thinking they’re better than anyone else, based on their social status, looks or education.

4. what would you do with a billion dollars?
Lay it all on the floor and roll around on it shouting... “I’m rich! I’m rich beyond my wildest dreams!” Seriously, I’d try to be ever so sensible...statistics show that most lottery winners die poor and alone, and are eaten by Alsatians - or is that something from “Bridget Jones’ Diary”?

First, I’d put one-third of it away on high investment returns, and pay a good accountant to look after my funds. Then I’d make sure that everyone in my family was financially secure. I’d set up a trust account for each of my nieces, nephews, goddaughters and the little ones of a couple of my good friends...to offer them a future, be it university or art school fees, or money to start up their own business. I’d sell our house and buy a bigger one (not a mansion but somewhere damn nice in the country yet still close to town, with an indoor swimming pool, sauna and home cinema)...and a couple of holiday homes (one in each hemisphere so that we could always escape to the sun). I’d tell B to quit his job and re-train as whatever he wants (he’s so bored with what he does). But before then, I’d tell my boss I’m taking the year off (I'd want to know I still had a job waiting for me), book two ‘Round The World’ first class air tickets and we’d head off to explore...

5. what helps to pull you out of a bad mood?
Chocolate, or a long walk....to go and buy chocolate.

6. which is more blessed, loving someone or being loved by someone?
Being loved by anyone is fantastic...loving someone is only exquisite when that love is returned.

7. what is your bedtime routine?
A soak in the bath tub (no matter how late I get in), then my face, eye, arm and hand creaming session, and a few minutes of reading before lights out.

8. if you are currently in a relationship, how did you meet your partner?
Through a mutual friend at university (now the dad of our goddaughter) – we exchanged insults from afar for about a month then decided to go out....

9. if you could watch a creative person in the act of the creative process, who would it be?
A Master Chef like Michel Roux Jr, creating a new signature dish for his twice Michelin-starred London restaurant, “Le Gavroche”.

10. what kinds of books do you read?
It varies widely depending on my mood, and I tend to have a couple of books on the go at any one time. I have to read a lot of high brow medical journals for my job, so when reading for pleasure, I look for some light relief. I read a lot of travel books, and I do like a gripping thriller, like something from Douglas Kennedy, or anything with a slight historical edge (early 20th Century). I have to confess to indulging in some mindless chick lit at times...

11. how would you see yourself in ten years time?
Ten years’ older... but hopefully fifteen years’ wiser and still looking five years’ younger than I am right now. I’ve got a lot of living to do between then and now.

12. what’s your fear?
Just about everything frightens me...but I probably fear flying the most, and I fear that I will meet my demise in a flaming ball dropping out of the sky. It is a fear that I have had to learn to deal with (using pharmaceuticals).

13. would you give up all junk food for the rest of your life for the opportunity to visit outer space?
I wouldn’t give it up for one day...there is no way in this solar system you’re getting me inside a space shuttle...did you not read number 12? Wake up! Pay attention!

14. would you rather be single and rich or married, but poor?
I’d take the married and poor only on condition it’s married to my very own hubby (I’d say “current” but that sounds like I have another one lined up)...I wouldn’t want to be poor and married to some prize asshole too – I’d shoot myself (or him rather!)

15. what’s the first thing you do when you wake up?
If it’s Monday to Friday, I think “Crap! It’s Monday to Friday!”...Saturday or Sunday, I delight in the thought that it’s not Monday to Friday.

16. if you could change one thing about your spouse/partner what would it be?
Nothing....B, in the words of Bruno Mars, “You’re amaaaazzzzing, just the way you are!” [Even though you still haven’t worked out that no matter how much channel hopping you do, you are never ever going to avoid the ad breaks...you see the TV bosses time them just right to catch the likes of you]

17. if you could pick a new name for yourself, what would it be?
I’ve actually grown used to my name...hated it as a child, and wished my folks had named me Yvette, as they’d planned until my precocious older brother decided Nat was a better option. He must really like it, as it’s my niece’s second name.

18. would you forgive and forget no matter how horrible a thing that special someone has done?
That’s a tough one to know as I am lucky enough not to have been in that situation. I’m not sure...I have a very long memory.

19. if you could only eat one thing for the next 6 months, what would it be?
Pasta with basil pesto, pine nuts and shavings of parmesan (Ha! You thought I was going to say chocolate!)

Right, that's me done with. Now for the best part...I get to select four other bloggers to answer the same questions. So, I am tagging...

The talented TK, at Postcards from Malaysia

The sagacious Sid, at Verbal Diarrhoea

The verbally astute Vegetable Assassin

The ever-popular Pat Tillett

The wondrous Wandering Saffa Chick

The eloquent Eloise in NY, and

The brilliant Bossy Betty

Yes, well spotted...there are actually more than four people on that list! That’s because I like to have a contingency plan....a little extra in reserve....but I still hope that everyone I tagged can participate.

There's Always A Sunset At The End Of The Day...

It is almost impossible to watch a sunset and not dream.

-Bern Williams

Nobody of any real culture, for instance, ever talks nowadays about the beauty of sunset.  Sunsets are quite old fashioned.  To admire them is a distinct sign of provincialism of temperament.  Upon the other hand they go on.

-Oscar Wilde

At sunset, Nature is painting for us... day after day... pictures of infinite beauty.

-John Rusklin

Peace... is seeing a sunset, and knowing who to thank.

-Unknown

Clouds come floating into my life, no longer to carry rain or usher storm, but to add color to my sunset sky.

-Rabindranath Tagore

The sunrise is God's greeting- the sunset, his signature.

-Unknown

Thunderbirds Are....Aaarrrggghhh!

There are many things on this planet that I fear – I’ve already mentioned a couple of them on here – but none perhaps as freaky as my completely irrational aversion to…Thunderbird puppets! 

I don’t think I suffer from pupaphobia (the fear of puppets) per se as I did love 'The Muppets', 'Sesame Street' and 'Fraggle Rock' as a child… so what is about these seemingly innocuous puppets that gives me the heebie jeebies? Perhaps it’s their stilted style of walking, the way they seem to have permanent whiplash coupled with constipation….or the fact that they never smile. Could be those eyebrows too...

For the benefit of anyone lucky enough not to be familiar with these disturbing marionettes, 'Thunderbirds' was a 1960s British TV show that was set in the 21st century and depicted the adventures of the millionaire former astronaut Jeff Tracy and his five sons – each named after a Mercury astronaut – Scott Carpenter, Virgil Grissom, Alan Shepard, Gordon Cooper and John Glenn, respectively. 

Together with Jeff’s elderly mother called Grandma, the scientific genius and engineer “Brains”, the family’s manservant Kyrano and his daughter Tin-Tin, the Tracy family lived on a remote Pacific island. They were, in secret, the members of International Rescue…a private and highly-advanced emergency response organisation, which covered the globe and even space, rescuing people with their futuristic vehicles, the Thunderbirds. Bit of trivia....the name 'Thunderbirds' came from an American Airforce base called Thunderbird Field during WWII.

The Tracys' Nemesis - The Evil Hood

Thunderbirds was an example of “supermarionation” — a technique pioneered by producer Gerry Anderson, which meant shooting puppets in front of miniatures. Some of the special effects were later used in the James Bond movies, Star Wars and 2001: A Space Odyssey. 

Thunderbirds achieved cult status, providing the inspiration for a number of subsequent TV programmes and films, and is still shown today. The series seemed to be constantly showing in TV re-runs when I was a child, but I wouldn’t stick around in front of the box for long to watch... 

Lady Penelope Creighton-Ward - London Agent for International Rescue 

And it seems even in 2011, I can't escape the long arm of the freaky puppeteer. Today I learnt that Royal Mail is honouring Gerry Anderson’s work with a new set of specially printed 'motion stamps'. When they are tilted back and forth, th stamps show the opening sequence of Thunderbirds, with each craft, 1-4, counting down to launch. It is the first time the Royal Mail has issued such hi-tech stamps - created by a process called micro lenticular printing.

I just hope I don't get any of them on the letters dropping on my doormat any time soon....

Two Year Blogiversary

Would you believe that it's exactly two years to the day that I first clicked "Publish Post" and secured my very own little piece of the blogosphere? Two hundred and fifty-five posts later...and, miraculously, I'm still finding some random drivel inspiring material with which to bore amaze you.

A huge thanks to all my readers for dropping by and commenting, and hopefully you'll stick around for the Terrible Twos. I promise not to throw tantrums, or scream and whine that I want chocolate (and I want it NOW!)...at least not too often, anyway!

I hope this blog will continue to grow up with me, since, in the words of Anthony de Mello...

"Wisdom tends to grow in proportion to one's awareness of one's ignorance".

A Drive Through Snowdonia

I thought you might enjoy a bit of a road trip with me, through part of Snowdonia (Eryri), North Wales....

Things I Learnt In Wales

Harbour at Aberaeron

1.  A few days in a cosy, coastal cottage is a great way to recharge life’s batteries before the New Year.

2.  I really do like to be beside the seaside, whatever the weather.

Aberporth, Cardigan Bay

3.  Snowdonia National Park is spectacular…

Even in the bleak midwinter

And especially at sunset

4.  Hot white chocolate topped with white marshmallows is creamily delicious and very drinkable.

5.  So too is mulled red wine.

6.  Hobbling about on a broken stiletto heel is not the most dignified look on New Year’s Eve, and could lead others to believe that too much mulled wine has been consumed.

7. Sparklers can turn any dessert festive…

8. “Blwyddyn Newydd Dda!” means “Happy New Year!” in Welsh.

Aberaeron

How did you celebrate the start of 2011?