On Penis Pumps, Incest and Cannibalism

Faithful readers, fear not....Nat’s blog is not descending into a cesspit of debauchery just yet (that cowboy picture of yesterday aside of course!). Today, I’m going to tell you about the slightly unsavoury goings on in my household....or rather, in our tropical fish tank.

A Den of Iniquity

Tropical fish make excellent pets....they’re pretty to look at, calming to watch, and can just be left to their own devices most of the time. No need to walk them or entertain them, no vet bills and when one of them decides to pop their clogs and swim off to the great big aquarium in the sky, there’s not much standing on ceremony...a quick flush and they’re A for away, although I do insist on a short rendition of The Last Post, ‘air bugle’ style (it’s a bit less naff than an air guitar and more subdued). Going on holiday, which you may have noticed we do fairly often, is no hassle... they could probably survive quite happily without fresh food for at least 2 weeks, but we do have a nifty rotating auto feeder and a friend who is happy to pop in a few times to feed them, in exchange for a couple of bottles of wine.

And the greedy little chaps are very fond of their food....so much so in fact, that I’ve renamed them “The Pigs”. People say fish have a memory span of a few seconds....rubbish! Our fish quickly learnt that someone coming up to the tank invariably means food is imminent, and they will start amassing at the surface, slapping the water with excitement and gasping greedily in anticipation of the falling flakes of fish food (now say that last bit again quickly!). Sometimes, just to wind them up, I first pretend to be dropping food, and watch them flailing about and fighting over invisible food...yes, I do have a cruel side!

Funny fish 'foto' found here

But that’s nothing compared to the antics the fish themselves get up to... incest, infanticide, cannibalism....you name it, they’re into it! Woe betide any fish feeling a bit under the weather...I think the technical term is “green about the gills”... as the other, more robust ones will quickly spot a weakling and hasten it on its way to the aforementioned great aquarium in the sky. They have a real taste for sushi too...often not even waiting for the poor fish to gasp its last before they start snacking on its sorry carcass. Unless we’re home to rescue the corpse in time, we could be left with just a skeleton and tail....that’s provided the bottom-feeders and scavenger shrimps don’t find them first. Sometimes a fish just vanishes...

Incest...it’s been said it’s a game the whole family can play, and it’s certainly not a taboo topic when it comes to tropical fish. We started with a group of Mollies – a couple of males, four females. They had some babies (yes, Mollies are born live, not hatched from eggs). Some of them survived, the rest were a tasty snack for the flamboyant Siamese fighting fish (Elvis)...and then the two alpha males died. The fry grew up, the sons started making eyes at their mommies and sisters... and hey presto, we had a whole inbreeding experiment going on. We also had a population explosion in the tank...Elvis ate himself to death (quite literally he ate and ate baby fish until he died), but even he couldn’t keep up with the rate the fry were popping out. Now we’ve just decided to let natural selection take its course...inbreeding will eventually out, and there are already a couple of wonky-looking fish in that tank. Unable to swim very well, they are not long for this world....

'Elvis' - found here

But in the meantime, that many fish means an awful lot of fish poop....and someone’s got to clean that up...which brings me nicely onto the headlining act of this sordid little tale: the Penis Pump! Mind in the gutter I may have, but I bet you would have been thinking exactly the same if you were presented with what is apparently a siphoning pump for cleaning the surface of the gravel, that looks something like this....

Dubious contraption found here

But which I reckon is more like this....
 

 

Not My Bag Baby - found here

 
Whatever, all I know is that once a fortnight that “Penis Pump” comes out of storage, there’s an awful lot of sucking and blowing going on... and sometimes there’s a big wet patch left on the lounge floor.....