Notes From Nat

Dear Neighbours' Cats

OK, I've now had enough of your crap...literally! It's bad enough I spend my days picking your shit out from my flowerbeds and lawn, but waking me up at 5am with your caterwauling outside my bedroom window is enough to give me a hairball!

What were you fighting over...who gets to crap on my doorstep?

Be afraid, my feline fiends...I'm investing in a pump action water gun!

...................................................


Dear Rain Cloud

Yes, yes, I know you’ve been a good sport and kept away for almost a month....and yes, it’s been the driest, sunniest, hottest April in history and everything is blooming with springtime delight. But could you do me just one small favour and sod off from your current position of lurking with gloomy intent over Wales? I know that fair country is renowned for its abundance of leeks, sheep and rain, but I’d be very grateful if you could let us have just a bit of sunshine for our long weekend in the Brecon Beacons. Otherwise, instead of the famous Black Mountain, all we’ll get to see is Black Cloud....and soggy sheep.

...................................................


Dear Toe Rag Who Hacked My Facebook Account

What a sad little life you must lead, spending all your time trawling the net on the off-chance that you can sneak into other people’s private email accounts and post malicious comments that you are not brave enough to write in your own name! Did it give you a thrill? I hope so, because I reckon you don’t have much happiness in that lonely, perverse life of yours. May I suggest you apply for a personality transplant immediately, and do something vaguely useful with your life?

Yours truly

Nat

Where In The World Wednesday: The Maldives

Wow, it's Wednesday already, so that means it's time for Where In The World Wednesday, hosted by the fabulous Classy in Philadelphia. Why don't you take part too? All you have to do is post a picture (or many like I do!) of someplace in the world. Don't forget to use the WITWW button in your post, and to visit Classy in Philadelphia later to post a comment on her WITWW, so that other participants can visit your blog too.


Today, I am going to brag unashamedly tell you about the best holiday I ever had.... in the paradise that is the Maldives. It is impossible to describe the beauty of this archipelago nation, that is made up of 1,200 white coral sand islands, each ringed with turquoise shallow waters and sitting in the deep azure blue of the Indian Ocean. Just before starting new jobs back in February 2007, B and I spent a blissfully relaxing fortnight on the tiny island of Fihalhohi, in the South Male atoll.

North side beach on Fihalhohi

South side

South side
 

Island buildings

We splashed out and stayed in a water bungalow, which is built on stilts over the lagoon of the island....

Water bungalows

Our bungalow, #47

View back to the island from our bungalow

The warm waters of the Maldives are absolutely teeming with tropical fish, turtles, sharks and sting rays. We spent hours snorkelling every day, and saw so many beautiful sea creatures. Unfortunately, the coral reefs have been bleached by the El Nino effect, and there was much damage from the tsumani that struck the islands with horrific consequences on Boxing Day, 2004. Slowly, though, the corals are beginning to recover and we did see some bright red and purple coloured ones.
 
The highlight of the trip was the chance to try some introductory dives. I was nervous as hell the first time we went down, and clung onto the instructor for the whole 45 minutes we were down there....his hand had turned a lovely shade of purple by the time we resurfaced! My main problem was getting my buoyancy right, as, blubber makes you float and I do have more than my fair share of that! On the first dive, the instructor placed some extra weights on the top of my air tank, right behind my neck...that meant that at around 10 metres, I was pushed by the weights into a downward roll that I couldn't seem to get out of.... luckily he managed to move the weights underwater, and I could control my depth more easily. Once I'd calmed down and was finning along beside him, I could appreciate the lion fish, octopuses (octopi?) and moray eels that were to be seen in abundance at 12 metres. And my second dive was brilliant...
 

 

Learning to dive

 
Every evening, we'd watch the sun go down at the Blue Lagoon Bar at the west end of the island. Cocktail in hand, we saw some magnificent sunsets.....
 

 

  

While we were at dinner, the housekeeping staff would fold back the bed sheet (it was way too hot and humid to sleep under anything more) into beautiful shapes.....

  

 
Sadly, if global warming continues, the Maldives could sink beneath the ocean within 100 years. The Maldives government is doing all it can to fight the sea, but the fate of the country is ultimately a global responsibility. If we lose the Maldives, it would indeed be Paradise Lost.....
 
 
 

Growing Old Ungraciously

Ever suddenly found your age catching up with you? I’ve mentioned here before that inside my head I feel like I stopped getting older at about 25...but apparently, there’s no stopping the sands of time silently yet steadily falling through that great hourglass of life.

What’s triggered this bout of melancholy, you’ll be wondering? Well, it all started in the spa this weekend just past...hang on...you thought I was in pampering heaven the weekend before this one, an indulgence from my darling husband to compensate for the Amsterdam trip that got smothered under a cloud of volcanic ash? True...but I was again to be found luxuriating in the spa this Saturday just past, this time a treat for my mom’s birthday that I’d booked months ago. Yes, it’s a hard life, but someone’s got to live it...and after what I learnt on Saturday, I’ll be needing all the spa days I can get, to stave off the ravages of old age.

The setting for the spa this weekend was not as tranquil as the fabulous, exclusive Henlow Grange of last Sunday... instead, it was part of a hotel, a spa offering good treatments but unfortunately sharing the leisure facilities (pool, sauna, steam room) with the hotel. We arrived mid morning, planning to do a bit of gentle swimming and take a sauna before having lunch, with the facial and manicure treatments scheduled for the afternoon....only to discover a pool full of shrieking children! Not exactly what we’d had in mind, but we decided to nevertheless make the best of a bad deal, and went to relax in the relative quiet of the sauna.

We’d just settled ourselves into a pleasantly, heat-induced drowsy state, when we heard a little boy come running over from the pool and excitedly discover the adjoining steam room. “Come on in everyone!” he yelled back to the squealing masses in the pool, “It’s nice and hot in here!” Two little girls (most probably his sisters) skipped over to join him...but they weren’t quite as enthusiastic as he was about the steam room, only staying in it a few seconds before they wanted to explore their other options. Much to our horror, they were looking set to join us in the sauna, but they were quickly put off when their brother warned them loudly:

“No, don’t go in there....it’s full of OLD people!”

The two old people in question just looked at each other and smiled....we were more relieved about not having our sauna disrupted by fidgety children, than insulted by his ageism. Later though, his words started to rile me a bit, and I began wondering exactly how old I really do look...but I then I realised that anyone over the age of about 18 must appear desperately ancient to a boy of about 10. Thankfully, soon after this the children’s mother started rounding them up to leave, and we were left in peace to dip our decrepit old bodies into the pool....

Age is in the eye of the beholder...an old crone or a young girl?

And It Was All Yellow

Around this time of the year, the landscape of Britain turns bright dandelion yellow as the canola flowers bloom in field upon field....

Look at the stars,

Look how they shine for you,
And everything you do,

Yeah they were all yellow,

I came along

I wrote a song for you

And all the things you do

And it was called yellow

So then I took my turn

Oh all the things I've done

And it was all yellow

[Coldplay, Yellow]

Did You Hear The One About The Volcano?

The Northern Lights seen above the ash plume of Iceland's Eyjafjallajokull volcano.

Photo: REUTERS

Not surprisingly, there’s been a positive eruption of jokes about Iceland’s Eyjafjallajokull volcano on the internet in recent days. In case you missed them, here are my favourites.

But first, just a bit of background for anyone not living in the UK.... Iceland is the name of a British supermarket chain, specialising in cheap frozen foods (other giant supermarkets here are Tesco and Asda). Iceland is also a small country whose banking industry recently collapsed, taking with it gazillions of pounds worth of British taxpayers’ money.

It was the last wish of the Icelandic economy that its ashes be spread over Europe.


Iceland goes bankrupt, then it manages to set itself on fire. This has insurance scam written all over it.


Iceland, we wanted your cash, not your ash.


I came out my house yesterday and was hit on the head by a bag of frozen sausages, a chocolate gateau and some fish fingers. I realised it must be the fallout from Iceland.


Volcano in Iceland. What next... Earthquake in Asda?


Waiter, there's volcanic ash in my soup. I know, it's a no-fly zone.


Richard Curtis is working on a new rom-com about people stuck in an airport who fall in love. The working title is "Lava Actually".


It’s a bit early for Iceland volcano jokes. We should wait a while for the dust to settle.

Jokes sourced HERE

Happy Friday!

Where In The World Wednesday: Scotland

You guessed it! It's time for Where In The World Wednesday, the ever popular feature hosted by Classy in Philadelphia. If you want to take part, all you have to do is post a picture of someplace in the world, then visit the comments section later on Classy in Philadelphia's post to see who else is participating, and leave your link so that other participants can visit your blog too. Remember to use the WITWW button in your post.

Appropriately (given the current disruptions to air travel!) I'm just popping north of the border today....to bonnie Scotland! Back in the long hot summer of 2003, B and I did a 5-day drive from Glasgow to the Isle of Skye via Fort William, then up the west coast to Ullapool, round the top of the country as far as the Kyle of Tongue (we didn't make it to John O'Groats, unfortunately) and back down again along the east coast, stopping at Inverness, Pitlochry, Perth and Stirling.

Not a great map but best I could find! 

It was probably a slightly ambitious trip, involving a good 9 hours driving every day as we needed to cover a lot of mileage between Bed and Breakfasts on some very small (often single-track) roads. Of course, this trip was all good in the planning but things took a slight detour when, just a few weeks before the trip, B tore a ligament in his ankle, ending up with his leg in plaster to his knee. I was suddenly the sole driver, and he was hobbling about on crutches! Tiring as that was, it was still a fantastic trip and a real feast for the eyes...

Near Glen Coe

Waterfall in the Highlands

On the Isle of Skye

On the Isle of Skye

Hairy "coos" at the Highlands Rare Breeds Farm

Cove near the Kyle of Tongue

Hills of heather

Loch Ness....no sign of Nessie though!

Stirling Castle

Dear Travel Insurance Broker...

 

Apologies for disturbing you when you are obviously so very busy... frantically searching through the fine print of your policy wording to try and find any loophole that will save you from the dreadful possibility of having to compensate anyone for the financial losses incurred as a result of that inconvenient Icelandic volcanic eruption.

You see, it appears that I misunderstood the whole concept of insurance. I thought that this is how it works... we pay you some money, which you invest and make lots more money, and then, one day when something horrible happens and we have to ask you for some of our money back to pay for the fallout of that bad thing that happened, you give it to us. Apparently this is not the case, however....what actually happens is, we give you the money, you make money from it and then....well, that’s sort of where it all ends. So in fact, we are just giving you our money....a bit like a gift or charity, only you certainly don’t need charity as your bank accounts are pretty full thanks to all the money that people like me have been handing over for the past 10 years, and never asking for anything back in return.

Can I please take this opportunity to commend you on your craftiness....if any other industry tried something like this, it would be deemed a scam, fraud, daylight robbery and all offenders would be tried as common criminals and locked up for many years. I’d also like to thank you for broadening my knowledge of all things climate-related. Yesterday, I was informed by a member of your helpful claims team that ash blown by the prevailing winds from the erupting volcano on Iceland and now sitting in the airspace over northern Europe is not considered “adverse weather conditions”. I was intrigued to hear that Section 6.6.6 of your policy relating to “Cancellations due to adverse weather conditions” would therefore be null and void in this scenario.

When I queried exactly how one would define “volcanic ash”, your knowledgeable employee told me that it would fall under the category of “natural disasters” as a volcanic eruption is the work of Mother Nature... but, before I could get too carried away, assuming that my claim would thus qualify under Section 9.11 as “Cancellations as a result of natural disasters (such as earthquakes, tsunamis, floods, etc) deeming travel unsafe”, your team member was quick to point out that I was labouring under a misapprehension...the word “volcano” was not specified on that list in the brackets.

Now here I was able to give back something in return, with a quick lesson in basic grammar and language. I pointed out that the use of the phrase “such as” is another way of saying “for example” and is therefore not a reference to an exclusive list. At this point, your employee introduced me to his supervisor....what a sociable bunch you are! It’s always nice to meet new people. Your senior team member was able to plug the apparent gaps in my geographical knowledge by informing me that “Holland is not the same place as Iceland and it is a volcano erupting on Iceland that is the problem here!”

So all in, a rather educational experience... and for this I can only say thank you. I feel that we also learnt a lot about each other during that hour-long telephone call (at premium rates)....you learnt that I am a naive optimist who believes that most people are really good at heart, and I learnt that insurance brokers do not in fact have a heart, and would sooner sell their grandmother to the glue factory than fulfil their obligations to pay a claim.

I enclose my completed claims forms and evidence of the money I lost on my cancelled hotel booking, airport parking and museum entry tickets. As I told your ever considerate staff member, who was worried that I would be wasting my time completing these forms as they will only be formally rejected, I will need something in writing for when I take this matter further... to the Financial Ombudsman, the exposé TV programmes Watch Dog and Rogue Trader, or the tabloid press, whatever it takes. Expect to see your company name up in lights, but then I’m sure you don’t mind as, as the saying goes “There’s no such thing as bad publicity”.

I’d like to end by wishing you and all your staff all the best for the future, and I sincerely hope that the day all insurance underwriters arrive in hell to book into their specially reserved, pre-paid, deluxe suites...only to find them incinerated...the devil gleefully informs them that “Actually, fire is not considered a natural disaster in Hades!” and thus they have no grounds to claim...

With best regards

Nat

A Change Of Plans Can Be Good...

 Sadly, I don't have amazing pictures of Amsterdam or the Dutch bulbfields in all their spring glory to awe you with today.....and I still can't pronounce the name of that accursed Icelandic volcano that's grounded the whole of northern Europe for the foreseeable future. On the plus side, I'm not stranded in some far flung country like tens of thousands of people (including friends stuck in Singapore, trying to make their way back to the UK from New Zealand), or having to pay vast sums of money to try and get back across the Channel by ferry or Eurostar, with not much chance of a payout from travel insurance companies.

I did still have a fanatastic weekend, however, exploring my own backyard and soaking up the spring sunshine. Starting with a walk around the ruins of the once grand Houghton House, built in approximately 1615....

Then it was on to the Stowe Landscape Gardens for a walk in the beautiful grounds and a picnic lunch...

I love spring...the cherry blossom, the lambs running about...

There was a meeting of classic car enthusiasts going on at Stowe, so the opportunity to see some beautiful old motors...

But the best part of the weekend was a spa day, secretly booked by my wonderful husband on Friday when he knew the Amsterdam weekend was not happening... he only told me on Saturday night that we'd need to be up early Sunday to check in for a day of relaxation and pampering at Champneys Henlow Grange....bliss!

Perfectly pedicured piggies, better than the ones pictured HERE

Hope your weekends were good too!

I Should Be Going Dutch

....and the start of a long weekend, that I should have been spending in Amsterdam! But, thanks to an inconsiderate Icelandic volcano with an unpronouncable name deciding to erupt and spew an ash and debris cloud into the prevailing winds that now hover over Europe, not a plane is safe in the sky. I'm going nowhere! Such is life, ash happens....that sort of thing. But what would I have been up to if I had made it to Amsterdam?

Apparently, I could have expected to see anything in a city where everything goes....like perhaps a dude rollerblading down the main road in just a G-string (at least, this was the delightful sight that greeted my friends when they first arrived in Amsterdam on a freezing cold winter’s day... and they claim they hadn’t yet had chance to visit any “Coffee Shops” [1] that may have induced such visions!)

What would I have done if I'd encountered an almost butt naked man on the street, paused for a breather between rollerblading? Well, I’d have had to “Pass The Dutchie” on the left-hand side, [2] of course...because, like most of mainland Europe, the Dutch drive on the right. That is on the rare occasion that they do get into their cars, as almost every Dutch person has a bicycle and there are twice as many bikes as cars. [3]

I might have stopped and taken a sly look back at the rollerblading dude since, as well as being the tallest people in Europe, the Dutch are reputed to be the best looking. But apart from people watching, what would I have been doing in Amsterdam? Well, I may have taken a stroll around a museum or two... Amsterdam boasts more museums than any other city in the world. [4] They cover every sort of weird and wonderful topic, from famous painters (like the Van Gogh Museum) and famous diarists (the Anne Frank Huis), to museums on the history of sex and marijuana. There’s even a museum of cats...hardly surprising in a city of feline lovers, where there is a house boat known as  De Poezenboot, a home for stray cats.

I think I'd probably have passed on the clog shopping

One thing’s for sure, I’d have spent a lot of time on or beside water, exploring Amsterdam's lively canals. [5] Maybe I would have spotted one or two of the thousand original working windmills. I planned on visiting the famous floating flower market and feasting my eyes upon the tulips at the Keukenhof Gardens. While my budget wouldn't have stretched to shopping for diamonds, [6] I definitely wanted to rummage through the Waterlooplein flea market, and I had hoped to sample kaas (Dutch cheese), patat (potato chips with mayo) and pannenkoeken (pancakes), and have a meal in one of the city’s famous Indonesian rijsttafel (‘rice table’).

And I suppose no visit to Amsterdam would have been complete without a quick stroll through the Red Light District, to see the world’s oldest profession in action, so to speak. [7]

Ah, well...another time, perhaps. Have a chillaxing weekend y'all!

.........................................

Useless information in the shape of footnotes you probably won’t read:

1. After Scandinavians, the Dutch are the world's biggest coffee drinkers...but coffee is not the only thing you can buy at a “Coffee Shop”. Amsterdam has over 300 coffee shops that can legally sell up to 5 grams of soft drugs to each person.

2. "Pass the Dutchie" was a song recorded by the British group Musical Youth from their 1982 album The Youth of Today. The song was a cover version of the song "Pass the Koutchie" by The Mighty Diamonds, which deals with the recreational use of cannabis, "koutchie" being slang for a cannabis pipe. For the censored cover version, the song's title was changed to "Pass the Dutchie" (a dutchie being a cast iron cooking pot) and all obvious drug references were removed from the lyrics. The term "dutchie" has itself now become a drug reference; it refers to a blunt rolled in the wrapper from a Dutch Masters cigar.

3. Amsterdam has over 1 million bikes but only 700,000 Amsterdammers, and there are over 15,000 km of bicycle lanes in The Netherlands.

4. Measured per square meters. There are more than 40 well known museums in Amsterdam, 70 in The Netherlands in total.

5. The Netherlands has more than 4,000 km of navigable rivers, lakes and canals. With a quarter of the country lying below sea level, guarded by dykes and dunes, and nearly a third of the land having been reclaimed from the sea, Amsterdam will be one of the first cities to get flooded if global warming causes the sea levels to rise.

6. The world famous Koh-I-Noor diamond was cut in Amsterdam.

7. While prostitution itself is legal in most countries, soliciting in a public place ('street prostitution'), running a brothel, being a pimp or exploiting prostitution by taking money from prostitutes as a third person, is illegal. The Dutch government saw the existence of brothels as a given fact and decided therefore on a practical, realistic approach. If brothels are taken out of the underworld, they can be under supervision, they have to pay taxes, they have to accept regular visits by health inspectors and they can lose their permits if they employ minors.

Where In The World Wednesday: Paris

It's Wednesday and that means it's time for Where In The World Wednesday again, hosted by the lovely Classy in Philadelphia. Why don't you take part too? All you have to do is post a picture (or many like I do!) of someplace in the world. Don't forget to use the WITWW button in your post, and to visit Classy in Philadelphia later to post a comment on her WITWW, so that other participants can visit your blog too.

Today, I'm going to tell you about a long weekend we spent in Paris back in January 2004. It was my 30th birthday treat and my first trip on the Eurostar, back in the days before St Pancras International was built, and when the trains still left from London Waterloo...I always thought it was slightly cheeky but rather funny of the Brits to remind any French passengers arriving in London by Eurostar that "My my, at Waterloo Napolean did surrender" (yip, a childhood in the 70s/80s means I do have ABBA lyrics on tap).

As might be expected in mid winter, it was absolutely freezing and raining quite a bit of the time but we did get some good breaks of sunshine, hence my pictures of the Parisian landmarks are just a bit hit and miss....

Notre Dame in the gloom

Sacre Coeur in the sunshine

Behind Sacre Coeur

Tour Eiffel by night

The greatest challenge of the weekend (apart from trying to use my schoolgirl French on the world's rudest waiters/shopkeepers/ticket vendors/hoteliers) was getting up the Eiffel Tower...not because we tried scaling it like cat burglars or anything as exciting, but because ze gods seemed adamant that we would not get to the top! The first morning, the iconic symobol of Paris was completely shrouded in mist, then when the weather finally cleared later that afternoon, the tower was closed because of a Chinese New Year celebration parade taking place along the Avenue des Champs-Élysées....I'm not too sure why this would impact on the Tour Eiffel, but as they say in Paris with much shoulder shrugging and mournful lower lip protruding going on....."Je ne sais pas pourquoi"!

Finally, we made it up the tower on the Sunday afternoon with just enough time to get back down again and catch our train back to.... "Waterloo! Promise to love you forever more!"

Avenue des Champs-Élysées from the Tour Eiffel

Looking down from the top of the Tour Eiffel

The day after we got back from Paris, I had an interview for what would become my first medical writing job...the job that would get me out of the lab and into a new career field, and would mean moving out of London, presenting the opportunity to buy our first house. So, I always look back on that weekend in Paris as one of the turning points in my life, and not just because I hit my 30s.