Performance Anxiety

The thing I fear most at the start of every Aikido class (obviously apart from incurring grievous bodily harm along the lines of a cracked skull or shattered shoulder from an ukemi gone wrong) is being called up by Sensei to play uke (‘attacker’) while he demonstrates a technique to the class. Fortunately, as I am still completely useless one of the newbies, this has only happened twice so far and he usually asks someone who actually has a vague idea of what they are expected to do....or at least knows their left leg from their right...

Sensei: “Place your left leg forward...the other left leg...no, the other left leg...OK, you know the leg you have forward now? Well, it’s not that one!”

Never one to enjoy being the centre of attention, I feel extremely self conscious and awkward and become quite ‘incompos mentis’ if asked to stand up and speak or even walk in front of loads of people. I’m far happier being an observer in the crowd.

I was always in the background for school plays, and would keep quiet in class if I knew the answer, refusing to read aloud as I was too embarrassed to do so in front of my class. Consequently, for most of my first year of school, the teacher assumed that I had a learning disability and recommended that my parents consider placing me in a school for children with special needs, as my reading and speech skills apparently lagged so far behind the rest of my class. This puzzled my parents: “She never shuts up at home, and she’s been easily reading the school books of the neighbour’s son...and he’s three years’ ahead of her in school!”

Wasn't much fun for me for long

In later life I had to learn to overcome my extreme shyness to cope with oral examinations and presentations, and panel interviews for a university scholarship, a postgraduate university place and jobs...but these have been some of the biggest challenges of my life.

With the rise in popularity of reality TV shows over the past decade, it seems like “Everyone wants to be on TV” and there is no shortage of fame-hungry people, willing to bare their bodies and souls for their five seconds in the limelight.

But I’m in no position to pass judgement on others. I must confess that I have in fact appeared on TV, way back when I represented my school in the Zimbabwe National High Schools Quiz. Yeah, yeah I am was a complete geek and I also didn’t really have a choice in the matter....feigning sudden appendicitis/leprosy/smallpox/bubonic plague didn’t hold much sway with the Great Dictator ("I only vant to hear von click!") aka my headmistress. I consoled myself with the hope that no 'normal' people would be watching the programme...but unfortunately this was in the days before satellite TV had really kicked off and therefore most of the country that owned a set were tuned into primetime viewing on that one (and only) channel.

I was never this 'cool' at school

Our school team made it to the semi-finals, which went to a dead heat...and then we were just pipped to the post for a place in the finals. My parents were ever so proud and kept a videotape recording of the show, that they would haul out and play to long-suffering relatives. What a relief when that accursed tape went astray when my family packed up to move over to the UK....