Ah..... my dearly beloved clients! I've gotta love 'em.... apart from keeping me in employment, they provide me with endless inspiration. Mainly inspiration on how not to behave unless you want to be classified as
Like how to make every email appear far more complicated (and therefore far more important) than it needs to be.
It's quite simple really... just add a whole lot of unnecessary or daft words. Then sprinkle liberally with "regarding".
Exhibit A
"With regards our recent conversation regarding the updates regarding...."
Be sure to use the word "pursuant" whenever possible....
Exhibit B
"Pursuant to our recent teleconference...." or "Pursuant to your email"
Better yet, use words completely out of context, whenever possible... again this will make things appear far more urgent than they really are (and possibly even quite secretive)...
Exhibit C
"I will discuss this with you later today, following our internal review meeting that is currently transpiring."
Don't be afraid to be melodramatic ...
Exhibit D
"There is a mighty sword poised over our necks. If we do not get the documents in time, it will be the end of us."
Or intimidate with title dropping...
Exhibit E
"I will have to discuss that with our Big Cheese Global Vice President of Very-Important-Sounding Functions-That-Are-Not-All-That....."
The power of downright rudeness should never be underestimated. It won't win you any friends though, so proceed with caution...
Exhibit F
" Send me the document NOW!" or "I MUST HAVE IT BY 3PM TODAY!" .
And if all else fails, get touchy-feely
Exhibit G
"I am reaching out to you right now, to ask you to..." [Client with exceptionally long arms, obviously...able to reach right across the Atlantic]
Pursuant to your recent post regarding superfluous verbiage in the mail that is electronic: I am unsure of your message and will need to undertake a detailed analysis of the current situation in order to examine fully the nature of your complaint. My goal is to provide for you excellent customer satisfaction, but it will be difficult if you do not make your intentions known in a way that is coherent and unencumbered by excessive emotional vehicles of mistrust and other forms of verbal trickery. I am attempting to uncover the nature of this post but unless you can be more clear in your language and your organization of your thoughts there is no way this can be done. I shall contact you at a later time which will be further into the day with my thoughts and reflections about this important matter.
ReplyDeleteOh Nat, between you and Bossy Betty, you've had me in stitches reading this. x
ReplyDeleteHa! Your client posts are always so funny. OK, I'm dying to know exactly what it is that you DO.
ReplyDelete@Stephanie: I work as a medical writer...I take a whole load of clinical trial data and write up the analysis in (most often) very big, boring reports :-) Apparently I am qualified to do this because I know a bit about drugs (not from recreational experience I hastly add!) and because I can string a few words together in an almost cohert way. My clients are typically frazzled and live on the edge (pharma industry is not an easy one to be in and I am glad to be on the periphery!)
ReplyDeleteApparently, I am always polite and diplomatic to them... or so my boss tells me :-) They seem to like me...for some reason! Most of the time...
@Betty and Vix: Betty is hilarious :-)
Sometimes when I'm on the phone with an angry client I mute the phone and tell them what I really think about their childish rant!
ReplyDeleteLOL...do they know you blog by any chance? :-)
ReplyDeleteI know it's not funny when you are the one dealing with it, but it is funny to read. I read your comment to Stephanie. I think it is interesting that you write up clinical data info. My job before I retired was the RN clinical trials coordinator in our cancer center. I worked in conjunction with the University of Illinois @ Chicago and Duke University. That frazzled life you describe sounds all too familiar:)
ReplyDeleteGreat post... you and Bossy Betty crack me up !!
ReplyDeleteAt this time of the year people are even more difficult than normal! Hang in there ;-)
ReplyDeleteMuch love, Bailey from Vanilla Blonde
Jip, I've seen a couple of those in my time.
ReplyDeleteYep had a few of those.
ReplyDeleteBwahahaha! Also have them all!
ReplyDeleteMay fave: Exhibit D & E. I sometimes do the F with a painful scratch on the back if possible :)
ReplyDelete