Everybody Was (Not) Kung Fu Fighting

I don’t condone violence, but I do think it’s probably a good idea to be able to defend yourself, if the need ever arose.

Just before Christmas, a distasteful little episode involving some rather pushy carol singers on my doorstep made me realise how unpleasant it can be when you’re placed in a vulnerable situation. Now before you start thinking I’m the sort to want to beat up innocent Salvation Army carollers, just because they’re a bit out of tune....let me elaborate. Contrary to my usual cautious approach of first finding out who was a-calling, I stupidly just opened the front door one snowy evening and spied four young lads (aka The Foul Four) lurking outside. Actually, I smelt them first....a lovely combo of cheap booze, cigarettes and the Great Unwashed. They promptly broke forth into a half-hearted rendition of “We Wish You A Merry Christmas”, then stuck their paws out, fully expecting me to hand over my hard earned cash. I toyed with the idea of chucking a quid at them....then thought sod it! While I’m happy to donate to carol singers who are collecting for charity, and always get in sweets for the local kids’ Halloween candy scrounge, I take objection to funding some louts’ vices. So I merely said, “Thanks for that!” and slammed the door in their pimply faces.

I had a really bad feeling about the outcome of this little scenario and snuck to the upstairs window, to check if they had left my property. What did I see? One of the youths appeared to be fiddling with the door of my car parked on the driveway, while another was peering with intent into the driver’s seat. Enraged, I threw open the window and yelled... “Oi, you lot! Clear off!” I think the sheer volume of my voice startled the bejesus out of them, as they started moving off...then one of the them turned around and spat, “You should’ve given us some money then, b*tch!”, while his mates taunted and jeered, showing me the finger. The final insult came when the uglier one of the motley bunch pulled down his trousers and exposed his somewhat paltry bits. Tempted as I was to request that the poor lad (who was clearly labouring under the misapprehension that his undercarriage warranted a public showing), wait where he was while I reach for my handy telescope, I refrained from further comment and silently watched them eventually lose interest and crawl back under their rocks.

After this delightful experience, I started to think seriously about doing some type of self-defence course. Up until then, I’d always felt really safe in our village, and frequently take long, lonely walks through the woods and farmlands around here. The sudden knowledge that there were nasty bits of work like the Foul Four living within slithering distance gave me the heebie jeebies.

B has always been keen on martial arts, and studied two styles of karate in his youth....he was never happier than when “sparring” in the dojo, with his partner in bloody noses and cracked jaws. He’d showed me a few basic defence moves....like the thumb-to-cheek bone-agony-inducer and the bend-fingers-back-bone-breaker, but it’s not quite the same as training in the arts oneself. So, when we came across an advert for a beginners’ Aikido course starting at our local sports centre, we decided we’d both give it a go.

Created by Morehei Ueshiba (known as ‘O Sensei’ or ‘great teacher’), the guiding principle of the Japanese Martial Art of Aikido is harmonisation, not confrontation. It promotes winning over one's self, rather than fighting with others, to develop a deep sense of peace and calmness. Aikido is performed by blending with the motion of the attacker and redirecting the force of the attack rather than opposing it head-on. The Aikido practitioner "leads" the attacker's momentum using entering and turning movements, completing the techniques with various throws or joint locks. Aikido has a simple ethic: if attacked, offer a sincere, robust defence but without hurting your aggressor. This attitude has been at the core of criticisms of Aikido and related arts.

For some pre-class preparation, B insisted on us watching 'Under Siege 2', which was coincidentally being shown on TV (as part of the Kick Ass Season), the night before the first lesson. While my mind did rack up the potential benefits of being able to defend myself against a multitude of knife-wielding baddies à la Steven Seagal, I didn’t really learn much from this particular homework.... apart from realising that the film stars a very young Katherine Heigl, more recently seen in 'Grey’s Anatomy', 'Knocked Up', '27 Dresses' and 'The Ugly Truth'.

So there we were in the first Aikido class (all 19 of us), lined up and barefoot on the mats....and the first thing I noted was that I was outnumbered 18 to 1 by persons of the male variety. Not a problem, I figured.....if I can practise with sturdy male opponents, I’ll be fit to face the burliest attacker. After a thorough warm-up, we were first taught how to fall.... a kind of controlled collapse by means of a folded knee and diagonal roll. Next, the tankan (a pivotal move on the ball of the foot) and tsugi ashi (moving the front foot forward, drawing the rear foot up behind)...before we progressed onto a combination of wrist twisting and arm gripping moves that would be useful for disarming an attacker bearing a knife or sword (this session included a bit of wooden sword action). Lastly, a series of smart moves, intended to disengage an attacker who’s grabbed you by the lapels.


All in, it was a fun evening and quite a physical workout. B is already smitten...he just has to unlearn all the karate stuff that he kept reverting back to and he will no doubt soon be well on his way to mastering the art. I know that I will be a slow learner, but I have decided that I will at least give the classes a trial month.

So, watch this space...I may well be Ninja Nat in the making....