Notes From Nat....

Dear Man with the Ginormous Head Seated Directly in Front of me at Last Night's Ballet

You can't help the disproportionate size of your dome. Your poor mother.... squeezing that cranium out.... ooooouuuuuch! Doesn't bear even thinking about! Apparently having a big head makes you smarter than the rest of us mere mortals with our puny little skulls... huh! Not smart enough though to work out that constant leaning your gargantuan noodle first one way then the next was obscuring my view of the stage! Do you have a weak neck? It seems likely, given that it's having to support that huge nut on top of you shoulders... however, last night's performance of 'Swan Lake' was not the time or the place to be working on your neck-strengthening exercises! Use your loaf, man! Might I suggest a neck brace? It will serve you well when the next poor sod stuck behind you in a theatre seat somewhere gets the hell in and stops your wobbly head antics with a swift, hard blow to the back of your noggin! I was tempted. Very, very tempted.

Dear Woman Constantly Rustling Crinkly Sweet Wrappers Seated Directly Behind me at Last Night's Ballet

ENOUGH ALREADY!!! Girlfriend.... take it from me, a former sugar junkie.... you want to ration those sweet treats to once a month at most... and then most definitely NOT during any performance that other people have paid good money to enjoy! You nom nom noming constantly and loudly for three hours' solid behind me did nothing to improve my tetchiness with Man with the Ginormous Head Seated Directly in Front of me, and probably even less for your evidently rapidly expanding waistline. MIAOW!

.........

PS From Grumpy Nat..... despite these annoying people seated front and rear of me, last night's performance of 'Swan Lake' by the Sofia National Ballet and Orchestra was absolutely stunning! I remain in awe of the talented dancers and musicians, and somewhat intrigued by the... er... bulkiness... of the contents of the male dancers tights! Just what is going ON down there?!!

Photos of the Sofia National Ballet nicked from the web... I would never use my camera in the theatre, unlike some others seated to my right!  Surrounded by idiots....

Notes To Self....

If you are going to lock yourself out of the house, make sure that you have your mobile phone with you AND fully charged... that way, you can call your brilliant, clever, forward planning husband to ask him exactly where he has hidden the spare key in the ram-jammed, spider-infested garden shed....

If you have an important, early meeting the morning after a stormy night, you may want to set a couple of alarms.... preferably ones that don't rely on electricity and therefore can be the unwitting victims of a power cut. Waking up and wondering why on earth the whole neighbourhood is already on the go when you're sure it not yet 6 AM... only to discover it's nearer 7.30 AM, is not a good start to the day and is likely to send you running around like a headless chicken!

If you want to have "Let's Do The Time Warp Again!" running through your head for the next week or two, book tickets for the excellent production of 'The Rocky Horror Show' currently touring the UK to mark the 40th anniversary of the kooky but highly entertaining musical. You may also want to do some neck strengthening exercises before you go... to avoid the inevitable whiplash that comes with too many double takes at male members of the audience, many of whom looked just a bit too comfortable being Just Sweet Transvestites from Transsexual, Transylvania!

It's A Boy!

Notes From Nat - The Special Summer Edition

Dear British Media

Yes! For the first time in about 5 years, we are actually in the grip of a full blown British summer... complete with days and days of sunshine and heat and blue skies and general feel good vibes all round. Understandably, you all want to get on the bandwagon with your optimistic headlines... "Heatwave to last all month!", and "It's going to be HOT through to mid August!" and "Winter is never coming back... ever!". But I do question from where your writers get their inspiration for the inevitable and endless "Tips for keeping cool in the raging heat" articles? Some of the advice I've read verges on the ridiculous.... from putting your pillow in the fridge (just how big is the average person's fridge to accommodate said pillow and do we really want a smelly night's sleep on a pillow imbibed with cheese and celery and whatever else actually belongs in the fridge?)... to licking our wrists like a bunch of monkeys!
Really?

............

Dear Neighbour

Thank you for choosing the hottest week in the history of people being very hot to get your driveway redone. The extreme level of noise made by the heady mix of a JCB, a pneumatic drill and two brick cutters has meant that the only way I can possibly work is with all the windows closed, and blinds and curtains drawn. Even then, this extreme measure was not enough to block out the slightly disconcerting sound of Builder Bloke #1 yelling: “Mate – another beer?” at Builder Bloke #2…..over the noise of the JCB that was being operated by Builder Bloke #2, just a bit too close to the side of my house for comfort! Nonetheless, on the bright side, I have in fact proven that not all the advice offered in those "Tips for keeping cool in the raging heat" articles is a crock of shite. One thing that does actually work is to keep exterior doors and windows closed throughout the hottest part of the day until night falls and it's cool enough to open the windows for the night....

Yours etc

Nat

Country Life...

A few random photos from my now not-so-recent weekend in the Somerset countryside....

50 Years Ago Today....

... my mom and dad promised to love and to cherish each other, until death did them part.

Sadly, my dad did not live to see today - we would have been having a good old shindig if he had! Not that either of my parents were Party People, really... they had a quiet, fairly conservative wedding - a church service in the then Salisbury (now Harare) Catholic Cathedral, followed by a reception at The Park Lane Hotel.

I was always really impressed by my dad's honeymoon planning.... back in the early 1960s, when travelling abroad was relatively unheard of, he whipped my mom away on a cruise from Mozambique to The Seychelles.

They were only the second group of tourists to visit the islands.... there were no luxury resorts, no hot water or air conditioning. But I reckon they had a magical time...

Glastonbury Abbey

As the Glastonbury Festival gets under way this weekend, I thought it appropriate to show you another side of Glastonbury, from my recent trip to Somerset.


Glastonbury Abbey - now in ruins - was once the grandest and richest Abbey in England...

 Medieval floor tiles

It is the legendary burial place of King Arthur and his Queen Guinevere...

And traditionally the earliest Christian sanctuary in Britain. Some believe that Joseph of Arimathea brought Jesus here..

The Abbey sits in 36 acres of beautiful parkland...

Truly a beautiful place to visit!