I seem to be gradually pulling myself together.
My dad is constantly in the back of my mind... he's the first thing I think about when I wake up and the last thought before I doze off at night. But the constant, sharp, aching fear of last week is slowly ebbing into a dull, background anxiety. I can focus on work - last week was just a mess.
It's now a waiting game... waiting for dad's CT scan on the 31st May, waiting for the appointment with the oncologist on the 2nd June, at which he'll learn if his lungs and liver are under threat too (cross all appendages that all is clear!)... then waiting to start the chemo... and waiting to see how it goes.
I want all these things to be done with but at the same time I want the sands of time to slow right down to a trickle through that great hourglass of life. There may only be a bit of time left.
Busy days ahead... the outlaws return from their cruise of the Med at the end of the week, it's a long weekend of entertaining them (no doubt in the pouring rain!) and then I'll be in Slovenia for a conference next week. Back a couple of nights before we all head up to Northumberland for a few days ... I'll be up there when my dad gets his scan results... wish I could be with him, but let's hope it's good news that comes by phone.
Tuesday, 19 May 2009
Tuesday, 12 May 2009
Paper Thin
I'm feeling rather fragile.
I can put on a brave face when I need to, when I speak to my dad it's all "Pah! Cancer... we do not fear you, we spit in your eye and defy you!" But when I'm alone I just want to scream "Help! I can't cope with this!"
My dad is showing great spirit - he wants to give the chemo a go and go in guns blazing with the really nasty stuff... more potential risks but greater chance of benefits. It will all depend on how he handles the drugs. Before he can start, he needs another scan - to check if the cancer has spread to the lungs or liver... the liver was clear two months ago, but his chest was not scanned at the time. Hope upon hope that lungs and liver are still clear...and also that the docs pull finger and get him into the system asap! On the plus side he has gained back nearly two of the 10 kilos he lost in hospital.... the stronger he is going into chemo, the better his chances of coping with the fatigue.
B and my friends have been so supportive - it is great to be with people who care but at the same time it can be a bit hard as they want to know what's going on and I do want to talk about it but then get overwhelmed by the enormity of it all when I do. I'm also concerned I may overburden others with my worries.... overload them with details they don't need to know.
I wish I could shake myself up, pull myself together and get on....chin up, old girl and all that!
I can put on a brave face when I need to, when I speak to my dad it's all "Pah! Cancer... we do not fear you, we spit in your eye and defy you!" But when I'm alone I just want to scream "Help! I can't cope with this!"
My dad is showing great spirit - he wants to give the chemo a go and go in guns blazing with the really nasty stuff... more potential risks but greater chance of benefits. It will all depend on how he handles the drugs. Before he can start, he needs another scan - to check if the cancer has spread to the lungs or liver... the liver was clear two months ago, but his chest was not scanned at the time. Hope upon hope that lungs and liver are still clear...and also that the docs pull finger and get him into the system asap! On the plus side he has gained back nearly two of the 10 kilos he lost in hospital.... the stronger he is going into chemo, the better his chances of coping with the fatigue.
B and my friends have been so supportive - it is great to be with people who care but at the same time it can be a bit hard as they want to know what's going on and I do want to talk about it but then get overwhelmed by the enormity of it all when I do. I'm also concerned I may overburden others with my worries.... overload them with details they don't need to know.
I wish I could shake myself up, pull myself together and get on....chin up, old girl and all that!
Friday, 8 May 2009
Update
The news is not great. My dad's tumour is in the advanced stage, ruling out surgical removal. There is the possibility of chemotherapy to retard the spread, but that will come with quite a high risk of infection and other nasty side effects. He needs to decide if he goes ahead with treatment or not, and we need to support him in his decision. Either way, the next few months are going to be very hard.
Wednesday, 6 May 2009
What Tomorrow Brings...
Tomorrow could be a bit of a tough day...my dad has a hospital appointment with the Oncology Consultant, to discuss the extent of the cancer and treatment options. I'm going with him, as I have a lot of questions...and hope to get some straight answers.
My 'Race For Life' pack arrived today...hot pink t-shirt, blue cap and my number...
Now I need to start getting sponsorship and work on my fitness!
My 'Race For Life' pack arrived today...hot pink t-shirt, blue cap and my number...
Now I need to start getting sponsorship and work on my fitness!
Monday, 4 May 2009
Raindrops Keep Falling On My Head...
Anyone see the weather report for the south of England last night? Did you note the band of clouds congregating over the west of London...in the vicinity of Heathrow...moving slowly northwards into Bedfordshire? Yip...The Outlaws have arrived, and brought their ever faithful rain clouds with them. Today, we spent a lovely - if a tad damp - day walking in Wrest Park, followed by a pub lunch...
Croquet, anyone? Note the sun was actually shining for about 5 minutes
Storm clouds gather over the house
The Pavilion
Irony quite intended...it's a sundial!
Bridge
Cherry blossoms
Saturday, 2 May 2009
D-Day Minus One
The Outlaws (B's parents) arrive tomorrow....they'll be with us 'till Friday, head onto Europe for a fortnight and then come back to us for a couple of weeks, one of which I'll be spending at a conference in Slovenia, leaving B to spend some quality time on his own with his "parentals"...
The house has been cleaned from top to bottom, the fridge groans from the stockpile of food, meals are planned...now all we can hope for is that the sunshine continues and we can take them to the places we've lined up for the next couple of days. It's the first time they're visiting us in spring - their past two trips have been in the late summer and we've suffered abysmal weather. I swear they pack rainmaking equipment in their luggage, as without fail, the clouds congregate over Heathrow and follow them from there on their travels. August 2007 was the wettest on record...we spent a soggy week traipsing around Norfolk, wishing we had an amphibious vehicle, or even webbed feet. September 2004 was also particularly bleak - sheeting rain is not what you need when you're stuck on a narrow boat with both sets of parents.
On the topic of watery matters, the "Fish Hotel" has been installed...B spent a good part of last weekend and every evening this last week assembling the cabinet, fixing the 3-D "rock-look-alike" backdrop into place and washing gravel. The tank now holds almost 300 litres of water and a very large piece of wood... plants will follow soon and fish in about a month. Follow the progress on http://www.fishhotel.blogspot.com/
The house has been cleaned from top to bottom, the fridge groans from the stockpile of food, meals are planned...now all we can hope for is that the sunshine continues and we can take them to the places we've lined up for the next couple of days. It's the first time they're visiting us in spring - their past two trips have been in the late summer and we've suffered abysmal weather. I swear they pack rainmaking equipment in their luggage, as without fail, the clouds congregate over Heathrow and follow them from there on their travels. August 2007 was the wettest on record...we spent a soggy week traipsing around Norfolk, wishing we had an amphibious vehicle, or even webbed feet. September 2004 was also particularly bleak - sheeting rain is not what you need when you're stuck on a narrow boat with both sets of parents.
On the topic of watery matters, the "Fish Hotel" has been installed...B spent a good part of last weekend and every evening this last week assembling the cabinet, fixing the 3-D "rock-look-alike" backdrop into place and washing gravel. The tank now holds almost 300 litres of water and a very large piece of wood... plants will follow soon and fish in about a month. Follow the progress on http://www.fishhotel.blogspot.com/
Friday, 1 May 2009
No Need To Panic!
B says I’m the world’s biggest worrier. I prefer to consider myself a good planner...I prepare for the ‘worst case scenario’ and then when things invariably don’t go as badly as I’d expected, I can relax a little. Take Monday, for example - I had to travel up to Edinburgh for a meeting with a client, which entailed a 7 am flight from Luton, returning 8 pm... a long day and one fraught with potential... er...inconveniences....
Here's how my mind typically runs...
Possible Scenario: Given that Scotland is typically a good 5°C cooler than the south of England and experiences significantly higher rainfall, I could be too cold and get very wet... but I need to be dressed appropriately for meeting with client and don’t want to lug huge winter coat around Luton airport....after all it is nearly May, for pity’s sake!
Nat’s Action Plan: Wear a smart suit and crisp white shirt, but sneak a camisole underneath for that extra bit of warmth, squeeze a pashmina into the laptop bag for a compact, emergency source of heat, and take an umbrella.
What Actually Happened: It was chilly, but as I was hopping from heated plane to terminal building to car to office, I didn’t actually get frostbite and surprisingly didn’t even need to use the umbrella, which subsequently got confiscated by Edinburgh airport security as a “lethal weapon”...hmmmm!
Given my disposition, is it any wonder then that I'm a tad more worried than the average person about the so-called "Swine Flu" outbreak...I agree we should get things into perspective: about 15,000 people die every year in the UK due to seasonal flu, and from what we know this is a mild flu, that currently succumbs to the antivirals we have stockpiled. GB says "we are more prepared for this than any other country"... hmmmm, didn't he also say that we were the best-placed in Europe to ride out the economic downturn? True, we are luckier than the developing world who have NO antivirals in stock and will be relying on the WHO to dish out their paltry 3 million courses. I'm nervous, mainly as I fear the resulting chaos that would ensue should a pandemic actually hit us, and I think that it is highly possibly that will happen, not in this initial phase, but later,in the autumn, by which time the virus may have mutated into something far more resilient, that cannot be controlled by the current drugs and that will require large numbers of hospitalisations. I don't honestly think our NHS will cope with that... or that our economy will recover from the inevitable "business down-time" of a sick population. But, we shall have to wait and see...
Hey ho! It's Friday and the start of a long weekend.
Here's how my mind typically runs...
Possible Scenario: Given that Scotland is typically a good 5°C cooler than the south of England and experiences significantly higher rainfall, I could be too cold and get very wet... but I need to be dressed appropriately for meeting with client and don’t want to lug huge winter coat around Luton airport....after all it is nearly May, for pity’s sake!
Nat’s Action Plan: Wear a smart suit and crisp white shirt, but sneak a camisole underneath for that extra bit of warmth, squeeze a pashmina into the laptop bag for a compact, emergency source of heat, and take an umbrella.
What Actually Happened: It was chilly, but as I was hopping from heated plane to terminal building to car to office, I didn’t actually get frostbite and surprisingly didn’t even need to use the umbrella, which subsequently got confiscated by Edinburgh airport security as a “lethal weapon”...hmmmm!
Given my disposition, is it any wonder then that I'm a tad more worried than the average person about the so-called "Swine Flu" outbreak...I agree we should get things into perspective: about 15,000 people die every year in the UK due to seasonal flu, and from what we know this is a mild flu, that currently succumbs to the antivirals we have stockpiled. GB says "we are more prepared for this than any other country"... hmmmm, didn't he also say that we were the best-placed in Europe to ride out the economic downturn? True, we are luckier than the developing world who have NO antivirals in stock and will be relying on the WHO to dish out their paltry 3 million courses. I'm nervous, mainly as I fear the resulting chaos that would ensue should a pandemic actually hit us, and I think that it is highly possibly that will happen, not in this initial phase, but later,in the autumn, by which time the virus may have mutated into something far more resilient, that cannot be controlled by the current drugs and that will require large numbers of hospitalisations. I don't honestly think our NHS will cope with that... or that our economy will recover from the inevitable "business down-time" of a sick population. But, we shall have to wait and see...
Hey ho! It's Friday and the start of a long weekend.
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