I Just Called To Say....

Recent telephone conversations that I could have happily lived without.....

AAVR*: Welcome to the Bright Spark Electricity Supply Company Helpline. If you’re phoning to report a power failure, please press 1.

Nat: £%^$! [Trying to get my mobile phone** to realise I am indeed tapping the digit 1 on its stupid little touch screen]

AAVR: I’m sorry. I do not recognise that number. Please try again.

Nat: £%^$ing *%^$! [Still trying to get my mobile phone to realise that I am still tapping the digit 1 on its stupid little touch screen]

AAVR: I’m sorry. I do not recognise that number. Please try again.

Repeat this cycle of stupidity a few more times, until finally.....

AAVR: I notice that you are calling from a mobile phone. Please enter the landline number from which you would usually be calling.

Nat: Are you a bit slow or what? Yes, I am indeed calling you from a mobile phone...that's because my cordless landline telephone runs off  e l e c t r i c i t y....you know, the stuff you guys charge us astronomical sums of money for?

AAVR: I’m sorry. I do not recognise that number. Please try again. Alternatively, you can email us or visit our website on www.no we don’t see the irony of getting you to contact us via electricity driven devices when you are reporting a powercut.com
................................................................
*Annoying Automated Voice Responder

** UK speak for cell phone



AMPSP*: Hello...is that Nat?

Nat: Speaking. Who is calling, please?

AMPSP: This is your AMPSP. For security purposes I need you to give me the first line of your address and postal code.

Nat: Why? If I’m your customer and you’re phoning me on the number you provided me with, why don’t you have those details on file?

AMPSP: Madam, it’s for security purposes.

Nat: Yes, I can appreciate that...I’m very concerned about security myself. Which is why I’d prefer not to give those details to you, as I have no proof that you are who you say you are.

AMPSP: I can give you a phone number that you can call and they will verify that this is indeed your AMPSP calling...

Nat: No thanks. For all I know, you’ve got your mate sitting on the other end, just waiting to get hold of my details.

AMPSP: Madam, I must inform you that these calls are recorded for training purposes.

Nat: Good. Because I think you could do with some retraining in how not to wind your customers up when they are having a really bad week. [And another thing, please do not call me madam – it makes me feel like a very old woman... and one that is in charge of a house of disrepute.]

AMPSP: -Click-
................................................................
*Annoying Mobile Phone Service Provider (or so they claim)

Happy Blue Monday!

Back in 2005, Cliff Arnall (a psychologist of subsequently slightly dubious repute) devised a maths “formula”, taking into account factors such as the weather, debt, time since Christmas, broken New Year’s resolutions and motivational factors, to pinpoint the third Monday of January as “the most depressing day of the year” in the UK. Arnall’s contentious “research” was used in a promotion by Sky Travel at the time to encourage people to cheer themselves up by booking a summer holiday bookings....and has been regurgitated in the newspapers every January since.

This year is no exception, but the one article that caught my cynical little eye was the Telegraph’s attempt to revamp an otherwise stale story, by offering tips on how to beat the Blue Monday Blues.  Hidden between all the touchy-feely, “eat lots of chocolate coated blueberries and hug a bunny” ideas put forth, was one pick-me-up tip that was actually a bit of a downer.....it suggested readers cheer themselves up by “imagining the end”. While this may sound like it’s taking the “blues” to a whole new level, the motivation behind this off-beat way of thinking follows claims by Richard O’Connor, author of “Happiness: The Thinking Person’s Guide”, that “Picturing your own death is a great way to improve your state of mind...In your final moments, you are at peace and your thoughts are clear. You can get in touch with a number of regrets. Fortunately it’s not yet the end of your life. You have the time to correct some of the problems.”

Well, that's certainly galvanised me into action....next January I won't be reading any Blue Monday articles as I don't want to be on my death bed, regretting wasting so much time reading recycled rubbish!

Savage Chickens found HERE

PS....If you're still interested in beating the Monday Blues, you can read the full Telegraph article HERE.