Along Came A Spider....

Who sat down beside her
And frightened Miss Muffet away

That old nursery rhyme could well have been written for me....if there’s one creature on this planet that reduces me to a shrieking, shivering wreck, it’s the creepy crawly eight-legged variety! I can actually pinpoint the source of my phobia to an incident quite early in my childhood – I can’t have been much older than about 3 at the time. Growing up in Africa, there were spiders aplenty, some pretty nasty ones too....like the baboon spider. This tale involves a pretty harmless brown house spider (“flat spiders” we called them, my parents were always saying they were great for eating the mosquitoes). I was naturally curious about these strange creatures that ran silently along the walls and ceilings. I recall going up to the wall to touch one....then feeling the spider hop onto my hand, run up my arm and down my chest under my dress! By this stage I was screaming hysterically. My mom quickly pulled my dress off over my head and knocked the spider off me. And that was when it all started. I spent the rest of my childhood in living fear of spiders. I had a strong aversion to the “Incy Wincy Spider” rhyme, convinced that it would entice super-sized arachnids to crawl up the drains, push open the bath plug and crawl into the bath with me. The phobia has followed me into adulthood.

Luckily, there are few dangerous spiders in the UK....although a deadly spider related to the Black Widow (the False Widow) that’s spreading across England due to climate change is causing some sensational tabloid newspaper headlines. B is in favour of the “glass and paper” way of dealing with unwelcome visitors, gently letting them go off and explore the garden instead. I’m more of a fan of the Grevious Bodily Harm approach. The only good spider is a dead spider in my opinion....preferably one that’s been pulverised from having just completed 2000 high-speed spins around the drum of a good, strong vacuum cleaner. Kill ‘em and stake their bodies above the door as a warning to any other arachnids contemplating entering our house...

Word obviously got out on the web this last week that, after 7 years of outstanding sucking and spider-slaying service, our faithful old Dyson finally bit the dust with a loud BANG and puff of smoke. Perhaps all those exoskeletons of spiders past clogged its filters. The past couple of days we’ve been invaded with a constant crawl of spiders through our house. First one arrived on Friday night.... a large black one that was lurking with intent on the stairs, just waiting for me to make my usual dozy (and barefoot!) amble up to bed. Saturday morning I opened the curtains....to the delightful sight of a spotty garden spider dangling from the web it had spun overnight across the open bedroom window. Later, I’d just got under the shower when I spied another one that had created an elaborate silk network over the bathroom blind and was skulking in the corner, waiting for breakfast to arrive. And as if these horrors weren’t enough, this evening yet another little monster went scuttling across the lounge floor.....that is probably the most spine chilling experience of all, for me - when a spider comes creeping out from under the couch, past my feet. How long has it been lurking under there, just watching my heels...and what if it had decided to crawl up my leg instead?!!

Happily, our newly acquired Dyson DC25 is even more powerful than the old model and is fitted with a telescopic extension, just right for cleaning the stairs....or indeed long-distance sucking up of scurrying spiders.

Arachnids.....be afraid....be very afraid!